matters of circumstance.

pomp and circumstance.

2005-06-16T23:26:00.000-04:00

well, i've finally gradumacated. *excessive cartwheels*

and i've decided to start a new blog... again.

for the fifth time in a row. ;o)

i know, i know... :oP

here's to a real fun guy...

2005-06-09T23:34:00.000-04:00

may the crit-force be with you, jonny-o! we're sure gonna miss your "fungi" quirkiness around here! those korean kids won't know what hit 'em! :o)

and so, after getting lost not once, not twice, but thrice while driving through the crazy and traffic-filled streets of downtown toronto in what seemed to be a pseudo-desperate search for cristina and jon; i finally caught up with them somewhere behind honest ed's by bloor and bathurst. and though my horrible skills to properly follow directions only allowed me half an hour with 3/4 of the crit-kid crew; seeing their shiny, happy faces dripping with sweat from the searing heat was definitely worth all the blood, sweat, and tears that were shed. :o) and as always, 'twas a joy to meet with them.

... dang, that roti looked really good. :oP

and speaking of people travelling to far off lands, aside from my month-long fun and frolic in the philippines this coming july, somehow i managed to score an interview for a full year teaching position in japan starting january 2006. all my references are ready to impress, and the resume is undergoing some serious fine tuning. if all goes well, then japan, watch out! :oP

better reception?

2005-06-07T08:28:00.000-04:00

for the past few weeks now, every monday i've been attending a sunday school teacher workshop seminar with some other churches around the GTA. and what seems to be an occasional problem is someone's cell phone always going off (usually on max volume) in the middle of the seminar-portion of the night.

so, yesterday night, as i sat quietly and listened to the speaker, as expected, someone's cell phone went off... again. this time, to the tune of "pass the dutchie". and as usual, everyone turned their heads to see who that cell phone belonged to. when i turned my head, i could see that it was a lady sitting at the table next to me. but instead of turning it off, she bothered to answer it, quickly noticing that she couldn't get good reception where she was sitting, which then caused her to fling her cell phone in all directions; which of course, happened to draw more more attention to her. i turned away for a minute to look at my notes, but when i looked back to see where the lady was, she was no longer in her chair.

... i looked down onto the floor, and surprisingly saw two feet peeking out from under the table cloth. apparently she had found better under the table.

yeeesh. i don't get it :oP

after one too many times of hearing the same people say the same things...

2005-06-05T23:08:00.000-04:00

current mood:

unpleasantly

"sticks and stones may break my bones"
but words can actually cause a crap load of damage to one's self-esteem.

and here i was thinking that things would somewhat change over the years.

but i still hear the same things;
i still cry the same tears.

and once all the noise finally subsides,
even at 24, i still find myself as vulnerable as i was when i was a child.

atlantic pictures [part II]

2005-06-02T20:24:00.000-04:00

... and now, some pictures from newfoundland.

me and erin's puppies, appropriately named indie (as in indiana jones) and scout (inspired by To Kill A Mockingbird)

erin's backyard: the atlantic ocean :oP

... man, i wish my backyard was the atlantic ocean ;o)

erin nicely posing (and secretly mocking me because her backyard is the atlantic ocean) :o)

... did i mention that erin's backyard is the atlantic ocean? lol.

mmmm... look at that tail!

erin's church in port au port (which happens to be the tallest wooden structure in all of newfoundland... erin, correct me if i'm wrong please :oP)

...and finally, inside the church - quite gorgeous if you ask me. :o)

to migrate or not to migrate

2005-06-01T10:06:00.000-04:00

recently, a fair amount of my friends have been migrating from their spaces in blogger or livejournal to msn spaces... so i decided to check it out, and make a test-space of my own. i must say, i'm quite amused by all the pretty colours and selection of templates thus far... of course, if i do decide to conform and move over to msn spaces, that would mean i would be starting my 5th blog. lol. oy.

my space

hmm. lemme know what y'all think. should i bother making the move?

happy june!

2005-06-01T00:04:00.000-04:00

current mood:

"I'm psyched!"

-- Carter Duryea from In Good Company

the guy didn't get the girl, but in the end he still managed to somehow find himself on a beach somewhere, jogging barefoot in the sand, and into the sunset...

just proves to show that life, even with its overwhelming twists and turns eventually works itself out in the end. not that i'm about to start relating all the events in my life to a topher grace movie (though i must admit, he displays quite the loveable geeky-hottness i admire), but watching this movie surprisingly gave me some peace of mind knowing that life is just plain quirky at times, and that it's actually okay for plan B to exist more so in theory than reality :o)

...

2005-05-31T14:58:00.000-04:00

funny how the rather unfortunate circumstances are the same circumstances that make you realize what's really important in life.

you know you're getting old when your body just doesn't want to stay up as late as it used to...

2005-05-31T01:01:00.000-04:00

4am used to be early for me. 1am, and my laptop keyboard all of a sudden looks like an inviting place to pass out on.

current mood:

the past few days have been quite productive yet completely draining as result of the following:

1) attemping to rekindle my love for clubbing after 2 years of clubbing silence... i have no idea how it happened, but my body's just not as limber as it used to be, and doesn't move and groove the way it did four years ago.
2) reuniting with long lost high school chums (and discovering that not much has really changed in 5 years).
3) saying goodbye to one too many friends and easily losing track of time.
4) driving long distances between scarborough and oakville, making my toushkin feel rather numb at times.
5) causing ruckus all over brampton while filming our first church camp commercial, making the self-affirmation of how much of a ham i really am in front of the camera (yes, "ham" and "am" do rhyme).
6) coming to terms that my life will probably never ever be at a standstill.

man. who knew that continuously coming home at 4am in the past four days could actually do more damage than good. never thought that it would take a toll on my body this early in my life. *sigh*

... and as i repeatingly un-kink the tension in my muscles from the excessive battery i put my body through these past few days, i come to realize how much my body truly hates me right about now.

oy. while i'm at it, someone pass me the polident? it won't be long before my teeth fall out... *double sigh*

a message in song...

2005-05-27T23:50:00.000-04:00

If You Want Me To
Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

'Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
Then I will go through fire if You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley

If You want me to.

i love my cousin.

2005-05-25T18:28:00.000-04:00

when you're bored, it might be a good idea to stay away from the webcam.

this is why we could only be family:

atlantic canada pictures [part I]

2005-05-24T04:53:00.000-04:00

erin et moi green gables, cavendish, PEI

me at lover's lane, green gables

moi et erin in front of cow's ice cream, PEI

erin onlooking confederation bridge, PEI

a PEI sunset...

which one of these is not like the other? :o)

... yes, we're geeks.

on the coast of port au port, newfoundland

erin "al paca" dwyer

estelle "llama" gonzales

where do i begin?

2005-05-24T04:11:00.000-04:00

well, hello there. long time no type, i suppose. since i've last blog, a lot has happened - heck, just in these past few days my life has somehow turned upside down. but thank you to all those who showed concern for my lack of bloggage over the course of these past few weeks - yes, i'm still kickin'. just haven't really been around or in the right mindset to blog until now.

and thus begins yet another lengthy but hopefully somewhat entertaining blog entry:

monkey-cat and monkey-fish take over atlantic canada: for 10 days, the charmingly crazy erin dwyer and myself enjoyed ourselves while romping all over atlantic canada. the "totally-played-by-ear" excursion found us trekking through the wonderful climates of new brunswick to the lovely and manic-like climates of newfoundland, briefly stopping through PEI and nova scotia somewhere in the middle.

ya know, strange things can happen when you're (im)patiently waiting for your flight at the airport, like coming up with random nicknames for each other and just bursting out into ripples of girlish giggles and slightly disrupting the peace of the other waiting passengers around you. this is how monkey-cat (me) and monkey-fish (erin) were born. it all had to do with an innocent canadian who had a stuffed (plush) rainbow squid on top of his backpack and a certain dare to steal it from him... and instead of going into full-detail, let me just say that you really had to be there to experience the true vital essence of the monkey-cat and monkey-fish. :oP perhaps if you ask nicely, we may be able to provide you with a very effective and realistic dramatization ;o)

first stop: moncton, new brunswick - where 110k is the maximum speed limit and "The Big Stop" dominates the highway pitstop chain. first meal in new brunswick: a $3.79 pre-packaged pizza sub courtesy of "The Big Stop". first couple of days we stayed at erin's sister's place and met up with the rest of her family (who are thankfully just as amusing as she is :oP). memorable highlight: before flying over, my dad pointed out that it was essential for me to visit "Magnetic Hill" while i was in new brunswick. when we got there and realized that it was also part of an amusement park under the same name, we ambitiously drove all around in a determined search for the frigging magnetic hill, and eventually found ourselves back on the highway. to say the least, we were not impressed - we were expecting our car to be magically pulled down by high magnetic forces when we drove up that hill, but nothing happened. it wasn't until later that night that i called my dad and found out that "Magnetic Hill" was nothing but an optical illusion. yeesh.

but on a more positive note, PEI was beautiful. it definitely left a lasting impression with me. and being the tourists that we were, we managed to make the most of our visit by seeing green gables (including dressing up like anne and posing for some very ridiculous pictures that included fake flowers and a very ugly purse), indulging ourselves with COW'S ice cream (mmmmoooooliciious!), and spent the night at my first-ever bed n' breakfast that left me far from disappointed. note to self: must definitely consider moving to charlottetown sometime in the near future.

... and then there was newfoundland. among many firsts on this trip, it was also my first time taking a ferry ride. prior to this, the only ferry i've ever really been on was the one coming back and forth from harbourfront to centre island in toronto - and that one lasted about 15min - 30min. the ferry ride from north sydney, nova scotia to newfoundland was a whopping 6 hour-long boat ride! but thankfully erin and i were able to amuse ourselves with arcade-shooting action and hunting for free/unused blankets and pillows from random sleepers (which in turn was rather unsuccessful). it was a great feeling when we finally docked in port aux basques - there was such a noticeable contrast between the small quaint fishing village and the insanity of the big city of toronto. and i would just like to say that i love newfies, especially their accents! erin thinks i'm totally daft for having such an infatuation with it, but even though it took a while to process what they were actually saying half the time, i just wanted to hear more and more! and i'm also jealous of the fact that while my backyard in mississauga solely consists of a deck and a fence, erin's backyard on the other hand is the atlantic ocean! the scenery was gorgeous, and the water was clear enough that you could see the bottom... *sigh* and yes, we had lobster, and it was delightfully scrumptious (and yes, erin's granny was so right. cooking them in fresh saltwater really does make all the difference :oP).

i totally fell in love with atlantic canada - from the islander hospitality, to the much-appreciated smell of sea-salt in the air, to the laid-back lifestyle of the people. 'twas definitely a trip to remember, and hopefully not my last time venturing the east coast. :o)

pictures will be posted very soon!

random comment: STAR WARS EPISODE III is definitely worth seeing! :oD

and among other significant life-changes, i'm saddened to say that i'm no longer going to be teaching english overseas in vietnam this coming january, which is a poo because i really had my heart set on it. looks like overseen contract issues and business politics proved to be a bigger wrench in my plans than i had originally anticipated, and so now i begin the process of figuring out plan B. i'm thinking along the lines of either taking a few courses to get my TESOL certification, or finding a teaching job at a private school, or falling back on my tech-writing/communication skills as a last resort. ahh well, what can you do? i remain slightly bummed and turned-off, however i am hopeful that everything will eventually work out the way it's supposed to. who knows, perhaps there's something bigger and better out there for me :o)

as for the rest of may and june? birthday/farewell shindigs, a youth-group cook-off, excessive church camp planning, a possible baden-bonfire, a road-trip to michigan, and a convocation somewhere in between.

it could be worse, right? :oP

the high price for being fashionable...fashionably stupid.

2005-05-07T23:53:00.000-04:00

feelin' rather

what i learned today:
stilletos were not made for walking on inclined concrete.

yes, i'm a dork.

*sigh*

"ahhhhhhhh!!!! ewwwwwwwwww!!! SOB!"

2005-05-05T23:48:00.000-04:00

current mood: flamboyantly girly-girl
(really wish they had an emoticon for this one :oP)

***

I'm a girl, and by me that's only great!
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy,
That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
With my hips kind of swivelly and swervy.

... I enjoy being a girl!

-- from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Flower Drum Song

***

back in the day...

tess, me, karla in 1994: our "jade's house of tacos" stage in life :oP

until today have i truly underestimated how utterly girly i can be. when you combine three girls who haven't spent some serious quality time with each other in almost two years, and let them loose all over the GTA for an entire day; prepare for an overload of estrogen and dim-sum, inevitable movie theatre ruckus, double dosage of caffeine-induced goodness, high-pitched squeals, several holes burned in each of their wallets from excessive shopping (x2), and perhaps a little too much reminiscing than any of them would have particularly liked (which initially accounted for the high-pitched screams as previously mentioned).

... and to think that i used to play house and barbie hair salon with these girls! :oP

now that i'm back home and have had some time to reflect on today's girlish adventures, i remember how truly wonderful it is to let my girliness surface (once in a while, of course) with an amazing group of now-women who i hold so dear to my heart, and reaffirming its sentimental value in my life. regardless of the amount of time and distance that has separated us, it's a fabulous feeling to not have to worry about catching up with every single detail of each other's lives, and even more fabulous not having to worry about how to fit each other in our present lives. i'm thankful that worry has never really been an issue with us, nor with any of my friends at this point; and that even after all these years we can still be as unbelievably loud and crazy as we were 10+ years ago, with not a single care in the world, except to be completely contented in our own element.

*cue happy tear* ;oP

april showers bring may... showers?!

2005-05-02T00:24:00.000-04:00

seems like may started off with a couple of rainy spots, but i welcome the new month with a genuine grin on my face and thankful that i can finally spare at least a few minutes to blog a li'l sump'in sump'in down.

the past week i've spent constantly moving - from retiring my keys to 134 columbia and finally moving my shtuff out of waterloo, to seeing a series of amazing concerts and musicals with some wonderful people (including an Evita date with tess at the Princess of Wales Theatre in toronto, which was fantabulous even with the abrupt and sligtly mediocre ending); to accidentally and unexpectedly bumping into snoop dogg at much music (yes, seriously!), to going on coffee dates with even more wonderful people, to directing church camp meetings and thinking of creative ways to inspire the world to attend, to preparing and celebrating my parents' 25th anniversary with over 100 relatives and family friends from far and wide; it was non-stop running/driving/jumping around the GTA. i think the only time i was "inactive" was when i caught a pesky head cold from my immune system not wanting to co-operate with the odd changes in weather. but after a few sips of ginger tea, a few boxes of kleenex, and several (read: a crap load of) movie rentals, i was right back on my feet again to carry on with the busy-ness that had somehow managed to entirely consume my life in these past few days.

and now, as my behind exhaustedly makes contact with the cushion-y goodness of my desk chair, i can say with all honesty that i'm quite pooped - but i'm happy to say that it's a pleasant kind of pooped. :oP whew!

ya know, i was planning on writing something insightfully sound, but i think i may have used up most (if not all) of my insight somewhere in the midst of all the whirlwind-like craziness of the past week or so.

but what i can say at this particular moment is this: i have the most amazing parents in the entire world, and i love 'em to bits and bits and bits :ox

oh, and thank goodness for photo cds :o)

if i can't be insightful with words, i might as well try being insightful through a little visual stimulation :oP

me and the very talented graham colton after the kelly clarkson concert

me and drew nichols (guitarist from the graham colton band)

me and the brother showing some sibling affection

... with the addition of the cousin ;oP (can you say colgate smile?)

me and tess after watching Evita

the hfbc youth group after one too many bubble teas (and for those of you wondering, yes, that really is a toilet - it magically appeared one day outside of our church :oS)

err. i'm not really sure whether that was insightful, but i hope that you at least found some amusement in it, 'cuz we sure did! :oD

... and off to bed i go.

fabulous friday

2005-04-22T23:45:00.000-04:00

the sun held out for most of the day, which was quite wonderful. and despite the fact that it's currently pouring outside my bedroom window, it hasn't succeeded in dampening my joyful mood. :o)

just for ol' time's sake:

let the exploiting begin ;o) [montreal, july 2004]

this morning found me once again driving down bathurst and eventually into cristina's driveway, where moonkie the wonder pug greeted me with heartfelt snorts and grunts on the front steps. after a couple of hours spent over vietnamese vermacelli and a whole lotta brother bashing, cristina and i decided to trek over to our usual hotspot, starbucks (on the corner plaza of bathurst and sheppard), in hopes that we would find mr. oh-so-hot-in-a-geekish-way prefix boy. lo and behold, right when we entered through the glass doors, there he was sitting by himself at a table to our right, typing away, his eyes glued to his laptop, engrossed by the words on the tiny screen. initially i had my doubts that it was really him, until he pulled out the same infamous red hilroy notebook he had during our first encounter.

cris: "i think he's a writer."
me: "i think he's really hot."

after conveniently finding a table right in front of him, we couldn't help but pass not-as-subtle-as-we-would-have-liked glances in his direction. unfortunately, being the geeks that cris and i were (social awkwardness and all), we couldn't muster up the courage to even ask him what his name was. but hopefully that'll change if/when cris decides to go through with her dare *ahem* :oP (cris, i'm expecting a full report on this! haha!)

and on nostalgic terms, today brought me back to the days of seventh and eighth grade. just the sudden swept-away feeling of being childishly excited over a boy was amusing to experience all over again, even though it was only for a few minutes. hmm. perhaps he has a twin? cris, that can be your *next* question :oD

after a long traffic-filled drive back to the 'saugs to pick up the brother from work, i decided to take a slight detour instead and make my way to the library. i came out with Helen Fielding's Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason and a Teach Yourself Colloquial Vietnamese lesson kit, complete with cassette and language book. methinks there will definitely be many interesting times ahead. :o)

7pm rolls around, and i'm at church for our weekly youth group meeting. always good times with the hfbc peeps ;oP

11pm, and my brother and i come home to find our baby nephew/godson and neice from michigan over for a surprise weekend visit (with their parents of course :oP) - it's crazy how much they've grown in just a matter of a few months. it's only been about seven months since i've seen them, and all of a sudden nathan's talking now, and alexa can walk - to think i've missed so much while i was gone. it's almost surreal, really. wowsers. but i'm definitely looking forward to spending some quality time this weekend with these kids and being completely distracted by their utter cuteness, babytalk, and crazy toddler antics!

all in all, i can contentedly say that this week has done me nothing but good - romping around the 'saugs, catching up with oodles of fantastic people and movies, eating (hoarding?) good amounts of home-cooked goodness, getting well-acquainted with our brand new treadmill and back into the habit of working out; and just finally having some serious downtime to myself, without any complications of any drama-related anything. i'm all smiles :o)

... and to think this weekend's just getting started! :oD

a lesson in spanglish

2005-04-21T02:30:00.000-04:00

"Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane... can drive you nuts."

-- John Clasky from Spanglish

***

tess and i decided to make tonight a pseudo-last-minute sleepover. and on the agenda was a viewing of Spanglish. we really didn't know what to expect, especially with adam sandler in a much more serious and domestic role, but we were far from disappointed with our selection. :o)

i think that this film did a fabulous job in capturing the the very essence of what it means to be eccentric... in every sense of the word. i absolutely loved it! :o)

quite the wonderful movie with just the right amount of comical and dramatic value, surprisingly without the typical "feel-good" clichés (which was definitely a nice touch!). word of caution, however - there's a pretty good chance that this movie may leave you feeling rather hungry (mmm... all that food!) :o)

note to self: add "master chef" to the criteria of ideal boyfriend/husband :oP

one last hurrah (x 2)

2005-04-19T12:47:00.000-04:00

it's words like "goodbye" that can really give you a nice kick in the toushkin in realizing that change is unavoidable.

here's a recap of the past couple of days:

april 17 - andy and simona's surprise goodbye party with the youth group. who knew 7 months would be so short? and now they're heading back to germany, and then to spain this summer to continue with their missionary work. i think i've come to the conclusion that i'm not the best at stalling people - but at least i've become quite good at playing tourguide :o) not only did they get to see all of mississauga, but they all got to see mississauga x3 :oP it's never an easy thing to say goodbye, but thankfully we were able to distract ourselves from crying and letting our emotions get to us by indulging ourselves in a whole lotta food, a whole lotta ice cream cake, a whole lotta x-box, a whole lotta movies, and a whole lotta good luvin'!

april 18 - travelled back up to waterloo for one last "agfitrian" co-op gathering at east side's. though some significant people were MIA (ie: jared, who was excused; and kara, who was not so excused), it was still good times all around. dinner followed by some serious tcby action and a surprise cameo by none other than timothy orr himself definitely put the FUNNNN back in FUNNNNtra ;o) (inside joke, folks). hard to believe we've been keeping this up for almost a good 3 years running! but parsley or no parsley, bongosaurus or no bongosaurus, it's been simply wonderful times with the agfitrian crew. definitely gonna be one of the things i'll miss about good ol' waterloo.

oh - and um, for those who haven't heard yet, rohit and i are planning to get married so we can have cheaper car insurance :oP

future names of children: hyundai and ford focus (please don't ask. there was either too much sugar in my raspberry/blueberry smoothie or those weren't really m&ms in roro's vanilla frozen yogurt)

editorial note: i had candy in my mouth when the waitress took the picture, which would account for the chipmunk-esque disposition. :oi

with all these goodbyes happening left, right, and center, i think the whole feeling of "everything coming to a close" is finally sinking in... doh.

breakaway tour 2005

2005-04-17T01:10:00.000-04:00

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And break away...

well, it's official. i'm deaf. but it was WELL WORTH IT! :o)

nothing says "american idol geek" better than attending a kelly clarkson concert solo and happily becoming one with the surrounding teenyboppers who were non-stop jumping, screaming to the top of their lungs, and freely dancing the night away. man, it was awesome!

dang, this girl has a set of pipes! i mean, i totally thought she could wail on american idol, but holy crap is she amazing LIVE! to say the least, she completely blew me away - blonde hair and everything! (yes, she's blonde now!) an amusing tidbit of the night was adding a skaw-alternative rock spin on A Moment Like This - which actually turned out to be quite the improvement on the song :o)

even the graham colton band was rockin' as the opening act (and aside from being really good on stage, they were also very yummy to look at :oD) - the boys of the band were nice enough to stay after the show to take a few pictures with the fans (including moi) and sign autographs... *sigh* what is it with me and musicians?!

yep, i'm still beaming. :o)

of course, you know what this means...

this means that for at least the next month or so, it's going to be 24/7 listening, singing, dancing, karaoke-ing, and breathing kelly clarkson.

oy.

... which also means that probably in the next month or so, my friends are going to hate me with a passion. :oP

drumroll please...

2005-04-15T04:16:00.000-04:00

current mood:

the take-home final is done.
the notes are put away.
the books are back on the shelves.
the plane tickets are booked.

and thankfully, wonderful movies like Love Actually never get old.

so long, waterloo undergrad!
it's been quite the roller coaster ride.

but "we'll always have paris" ;oP

... and mr. sushi :o)

inspired by a late-night conversation with a friend...

2005-04-14T11:58:00.000-04:00

ya know, it really is a shame how relationships of the romantic variety nowadays have lost most (if not all) of the light-hearted innocence and adolescent charm they once had back in the days of elementary school; when telling someone that you had a crush on him/her was as simple and harmless as writing down "do you like me? circle yes or no".

really. "why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?"

ahhh yes. that avril lavigne. quite the smart cookie. :oP

(1293 words shy of finishing undergrad!)

proof that even geeks can get the girl :o)

2005-04-12T14:06:00.000-04:00

meet the parents:

happy 25th anniversary, mommy and daddy!
(lovin' the bowtie :oP)

my spider-sense tells me i have too much time on my hands

2005-04-11T00:42:00.000-04:00

... and the quiz-train keeps on chuggin'. erin's posted yet another doozy on her blog.

yay for superheroes!

Spiderman

Congratulations! You scored a super 55%!

You're hotter than, well, hot-cakes! You've got a fan base bigger than Pam & Tommy, and to tell the truth, you actually don't mind the super-hero gig. Most of the time, anyway. Everyone seems to love their fun, friendly and courageous hero as you swoop in to save the day, time and time again! Unfortunately, swooping and day-saving doesn't help pay the rent, and you're not exactly the "hero-for-hire" type either. Hey, at least you can play down the whole life saving, self sacrificing gig with some neat lil' punchlines and remarks! Juggling both egos becomes a strain at times and whilst you want to help everyone, you're also in search of "me time", often finding yourself having to make constant personal sacrifices in order to protect those around you. Don't fret though! At the end of the day you'll find yourself with the support from either those you rescue or perhaps a close friend or loved one who'll get you by, reminding you of how cool you look in spandex.

You scored higher than 26% on Heropoints
Link: The Which SUPER HERO are you Test written by crayzee69 on Ok Cupid

5 more days of trying to keep my head above water

2005-04-11T00:10:00.000-04:00

on an online-search for an artifact for my rhetorical criticism take-home final (due friday); inevitably, i've managed to find myself on blogger - humbled, feeling a little groggy, and thinking perhaps i've had a little too much sun today.

this weekend got off on a pseudo-rocky start on saturday when i left my rs 205 midterm feeling like it had kicked me mighty hard in the toushkin - not exactly the way i would have wanted to write my last and only "real" undergrad final, but after a few hours of venting, stomping, and releasing the unwanted tension from my system, i eventually got over it for the most part.

several kilometres later, i find myself in moffat, where my youth group was finishing up their 30-hour famine retreat. thankfully the fresh air and the beautiful weather (not the mention the plethora of crazy "open-field frolic" and "while you were sleeping" photo-sessions) did a lot for my mood and really helped put things back in perspective :o) afterall, 92% of the things you worry about never really end up happening anyway, and the other 8% is usually manageable - that's the theory i'm planning to stick with, anyway :oP

a few more clicks on the meter and i'm back in mississauga for the night in hopes to quench my thirst for some much-needed family lovin' and to pick up some clean fresh-out-of-the-dryer clothes. and so far, it's been just wonderful.

and somehow during all that, it's monday again. in a few hours, i'll be back in waterloo to face the final stretch - hopefully on a much better note than i started the weekend with.

the (tentative) agenda for this week? study dates, koh-i-noor, 1750 words of rhetorical and critical fun, and finally kissing waterloo undergrad goodbye (not so tentative).

*sigh* in the wise words of dory from Finding Nemo, there's really only one thing to do in times like these, and that is to "just keep swimming."

... a bigger study break

2005-04-08T23:47:00.000-04:00

so, just when i'm about to go back to the books, claudia sends me this quiz...

and so apparently this is what it says about my dating personality:

Your dating personality profile:

Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you.
Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate.

Your date match profile:

Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life.
Traditional - You need someone who is a bit old-fashioned. A person with traditional values and beliefs will perfectly compliment your lifestyle.
Athletic - You aren't looking for a couch potato. You seek someone who is active and who keeps his body in top shape.

Your Top Ten Traits

1. Religious
2. Outgoing
3. Liberal
4. Big-Hearted
5. Practical
6. Athletic
7. Wealthy/Ambitious
8. Funny
9. Adventurous
10. Traditional

Your Top Ten Match Traits

1. Religious
2. Traditional
3. Athletic
4. Practical
5. Conservative
6. Outgoing
7. Big-Hearted
8. Intellectual
9. Funny
10. Adventurous

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

hmm. i'm not so sure about looking for someone "athletic", but a body in top shape i suppose can't be that bad of a trait ;oP *blush*

a little study break

2005-04-08T22:09:00.000-04:00

esther choy, you are one awesome chica :o)
from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!

american idle

cross reference: check out my blog post for march 3rd

really, it's the best of both worlds :oD

i think i can, i think i can, i think i can...

2005-04-05T16:53:00.000-04:00

today was the last day of classes - as dr. neil randall of my 309C rhetorical criticism class said after a number of us graduating students raised our hands, "'tis a sad, sad day."

yes, 'twas a bittersweet goodbye, indeed.
... but i think i'll get over it :o)

one final down.

one paper and two more finals to go.

*breathe*

bring it on...

an alternate form of procrastination

2005-04-04T22:23:00.000-04:00

checking out friendster joint horoscopes.

this one's for you, tess :o)

You and Teresa are flying high today!

Ambition isn't a quality that either of you is lacking, and when you come together -- wow! The sky's the limit. Heck, the sky's not even a limit -- it's just a suggestion. What you two can accomplish together knows absolutely no bounds right now, especially once you get your working styles down pat. Once you learn how to complement each other's strengths and weaknesses, you'll have such momentum that it will leave you breathless. Go ahead and dive right in.

i am amused :oD

and tess, remember - "it's just a suggestion" LOL

yet another significant family matchmaking attempt

2005-04-04T15:12:00.000-04:00

current mood:

his name is ellie (i'm not sure exactly how to spell it, but that's what it sounds like). according to my sources, he's got a budding career of being an intellegent mix of engineer and physio-therapist, living in his own house in the states, well-established, and well-unattached. he's also 32. rumour also has it that he's in hopes of finding a young filipina with north american background to settle down with. oy.

number of offers to be introduced to him in the last half hour: 5

how my family does it, i'll never know.

the idea of starting the very first ever baptist nun convent is looking more appealing these days.

... HELP!

nuttin' like a little wholesome, childish competitiveness!

2005-04-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

mood of the day:

whaddaya get when you cross polo, lacrosse, and bumper cars?

WHIRLYBALL!

last year, while i was spending my fall term on the other side of the world in vietnam, i was a little (read: immensely) disappointed when i found out that my youth group decided to play without me. and rightly so! today affirmed that i had every reason to be disappointed!

this is like, THE MOST awesomest game EVER! and not to brag, but our team rocked! :o) i think jacrise and i actually had more fun aimlessly goofing/dancing around in our bumpercars to britney spears' toxic than helping sankara shoot some goals; and my forehead's unintentional ability to rebound the ball probably contributed more to the game than me and my scooper did, but it was definitely all about good times and great company! none of us cared that the group that came before us were oddly much shorter than us and probably half our ages, but the turnout of people who came out for this was amazing - always a great time with the hfbc youth, especially when we had a solid reunion going on :o) it's a wonderful thing when most (if not all) of the people you're with are just as craaazy as you are - i love you guys!

and for all of you reading this post, scratching your heads in utter confusion or perhaps rolling your eyes at this precise moment: if you haven't gone yet, YOU ARE DEFINITELY MISSING OUT!

to all the whirlyball patrons out there, i salute you! :oD

***

oh yes, and several random words of caution: it's not exactly the safest thing to drive on the 403 (or any highway, for that matter) with one active windshield wiper in the middle of an unexpected snow storm, unless of course you're a giraffe and have the magical ability to stretch your neck over to the right side of the car to see where you're going. it also doesn't help when the inactive wiper is actively blowing in the wind and rhythmically hitting against the windshield while you're driving.

suffice it to say, it was an interesting drive home :oP

baby got BOOK!

2005-04-01T15:46:00.000-05:00

current facial expression:

AMEN! double up A-MEN!

... a holier remix?
(click on the link)

err. um. yeah. :oS

happy april!

poof there goes the last brain cell!

2005-03-31T05:40:00.000-05:00

absolutely

LAST ALL-NIGHTER OF MY UNDERGRAD CAREER AT UW! WOOOHOOOOOOO!
*immense cartwheels*

... *gulp* i hope.

spring is definitely in the air...

2005-03-27T17:27:00.000-05:00

"I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls."

-- Bridget Jones, from Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

ahhh, l'amour. yep, spring has definitely sprung - and while lovebirds everywhere are basking in each others lovey dovey hoopla, i'm at home indulging myself in lovey dovey romantic comedy bliss. i'm not usually a big fan of sequels, but i surprisingly enjoyed this one, though certain parts may have brought back one too many flashbacks for me - heck, i actually found myself crying through some (read: most) of the movie. but it's movies like this that definitely keeps the hope alive :o)

*sigh* colin firth, i adore you.

yes, that's my final answer.

2005-03-27T02:20:00.000-05:00

current mood:

okay, so here's the skinny: my now-blue-haired buddy, jared penner was inspired by his friend will to answer five meaningful and insightful questions on his blog (check out jared's post for March 20). and now, i've stepped up to the plate. the way it works is that you leave a comment, i give you questions, and you just pass that dutchie to your left hand side - err... i mean pass your thoughtful answers on through your blog.

warning: extremely long post ahead!

1) What are the best and worst things about being a Canadian Filipina?

i've always thought that the best thing about being a canadian filipina is having been brought up in the best of both worlds: to be able to experience the social, political, and even religious freedom and culture of being "canadian", and also having direct exposure to the multiculturalism of canada have always been things that i've highly regarded as a huge privilege. i believe that there are so many opportunities we have here in canada that at times are taken for granted - opportunities for education, for jobs, for the way we maintain our lifestyles. while being immersed in canadian culture, i can still be proud of my ethnic origin and be able to stick to my own roots; to still be able to know what a good wholesome filipino home-cooked meal tastes like, to be able to understand the language and all the quirks that come with the cultural package of being "filipino", and genuinely appreciate all of them. to put it in simplest terms, my cousin charlene had it down pat when she said, "we're not fobs, but we still get all of the jokes".

ironically enough, being a hybrid of both cultures can also be the worst thing. being deemed as not being saturated enough in either culture can sometimes leave me not really knowing where i belong - am i filipina? or am i canadian? in the philippines, at times i'm labelled as "not being filipino enough", simply because i was born in canada and not in the homeland - i get poked fun at my english accent whenever i try to speak tagalog or ilongo, and have even been accused of thinking that i'm better than everyone else because of the fact that i was born here and not there. at the same time, i've encountered moments when i can't even consider myself as filipina because i'm "canadian" - i remember filling out a form for church membership in my last workterm in vietnam, and i wrote down filipino as my background nationality. almost everyone was rather perplexed by it, their looks of bafflement followed by questions like "i thought you said you were from canada?" and "why did you write filipino if you're not from the philippines?" - i never really thought it was necessary for me to be one or the other, but i guess there are some people who think choosing sides is absolutely necessary.

there have also been times when i've had the unfortunate opportunity of encountering the ugliness that racism brings out in people when it comes to stereotypes and other social labels. in high school, when i got my acceptance to waterloo, i was told by more than one of my filipino friends that i shouldn't even bother going because "filipinos don't go to university - they're not supposed to"; and in my five years as an undergrad co-op student, there were arrogant corporate people permanently attached to their high horses who actually had the audacity of telling me that i was incapable of doing something because of my race, making it a double whammy when they'd bring my being woman into the whole picture - because really, as it was brought to my attention in my second co-op term, the only way i could ever end up with a decent job was if i slept with someone - because obviously, it all comes with the reputation of being a filipino woman (yes, that last part was sarcasm *roll eyes*).

i guess with issues like race and culture, it's a matter of determining whether being a canadian filipina is a win-win or a lose-lose situation - do the best points weigh out the worst points? i happen to think they do, especially when the best things are really what i consider significant, and i know i'm stubborn enough to try and break down every single one of those misleading stereotypes. i've never let my background be a hindrance to who i am, and i highly doubt i'll ever start doing so. i take pride in who i am, and of all the effort and time that's been invested by my family in providing me with the best they could give me in raising me up to be the person i am today.

2) As someone with many aunts looking to match up their favorite niece, how do you cope with the pressure of not being married?

*sigh* how did i know that you were going to bring my aunts into this? hmm. to be honest, i don't think i've ever really considered it much of a "pressure" whenever my aunts never cease to find a hot young filipino stallion that they hope will be the one for me, but when it comes to this i think of it as more of a thorn in my side, if anything. sure, it gets a little depressing here and there whenever i find out that yet another one of my friends or cousins has achieved engaged/married status, and ya know, i'd probably see this whole family matchmaking thing in a more positive light if it wasn't so blatantly obvious that they're on a mission to answer my so-called desperate cry for help; but being part of my stubborn nature, i still find myself refusing to give my aunts and the rest of my extended family the satisfaction of thinking that they've got the upper hand in contributing in my search to find mr. right.

and how do i cope with it? there used to be a time when i would find myself in a very frustrated, depressed state of mind, but i think that this particular game of matchmaker with my family is one that i've become rather desensitized to over the years that they've been playing it with me. i've come to terms with the simple detail that it's just one of the quirks in my family that i can't shake off, and though i realize that they're doing it in the best of taste and not doing it in some sort of conspiracy against me, i just calmly say, "thanks but no thanks", and brush it off. don't get me wrong, i'm well aware that i'm only getting older, and that someday i would love to find that kind of romantic relationship and completion that a significant other could provide me, but life is really too short for me to obsess over the fact that i'm 24, and unattached - especially since i really have until 35 to settle down and have kids and all that stuff that makes married life glamorous and wonderful. so for now, i just grin and bear it, and continue to have the hope that my potential husband is still out there somewhere, preferably not taken yet, and that i'll find him on my own terms. and if not, then fine - i can deal with that too, and life will go on as it usually does.

now, ask me this question again after i'm 35, and i may have a different answer for you entirely :o)

3) How does returning to Vietnam contribute to your larger life goals?

i've always tried to deliberately stay away from anything teacher-related as an option for post-undergrad work - partly because if i did, then i would automatically fall into the whole steroptype of english majors pursuing a career in teaching. but after all that's been said an done, my time spent in vietnam opened my eyes to a whole new perspective in being a teacher, making it something that i really want to pursue. of course, it wasn't all i expected it to be like, but i actually found that quite refreshing. this was a job that not only helped benefit those around me, but did a great deal to my no-longer-lack of self-confidence and views on how i see the world - i think i actually learned more in that one work term than i did in all my workterms put together. going to vietnam also did quite a number on my spiritual life - i think that having been completely taken away from everything that was familiar like home, food, culture, friends, family, etc., really helped me to focus on what it means to fully rely on God, because even when i felt like i was alone, He's consistently there.

the interaction with the kids, the interaction with other teachers, the responsibility of having students actually pay attention to what you have to say and learn something from it was just amazing. i think returning to vietnam contributes a great deal to my larger life goals in that i feel like i've finally found a job i feel drawn to and that makes me genuinely happy and not only gives me peace of mind, but in peace with my life. never in my mind would i have imagined me wanting to go to teacher's college or attempting to achieve a masters in education, but by going through things the second time around, i'm hoping to get that life-grasp that i've been looking for, in terms of where my abilities are most needed and can be most improved. i've always wanted a job that was people-oriented, satisfying, and gives me a chance to really contribute and make a difference in people's lives, where i can actually learn something in all aspects of life, and so i think that with this upcoming sequel to my vietnam experience, it'll definitely help me gain even more experience and prepare me for future opportunities, both academic and personal.

4) Another acquaintance comes to you looking for relationship advice. Why do you try to help them and how effective do you think you are?

i try to help them simply because they ask me to. most times i complain about how i'm always the therapist of my circle of friends, but at the heart of it, i'm always willing to listen to a friend if he or she needs to talk or vent, regardless of whether or not it just makes me want to roll my eyes thousand-fold. if i can help them out just by being there and listening in order for them to be able to relieve some tension, then that's great. as far as how effective i think i am in either the advice i give them or just by sitting there and listening, that's really up to the person i'm talking to, and how effective they consider my advice is to their problem.

of course there are limits though. the point when i realize i'm just sounding like a broken record, or when i know that there is no possibility that my advice would even be any benefit to someone, is when i back off. it's a pet peeve of mine to have to repeat myself and waste my time saying the same thing over and over again. it's really up to them what they choose to do with my advice - i have no control over that, and i won't impose what i think is the right decision for them, because they're old enough to make their own decisions. but hey, whether they take my advice sincerely or with a grain of salt, i usually don't mind putting my two cents in, if they ask me to.

5) What's the most significant lesson you learnt in 2004?

hmm. see, the problem with this question is attempting to answer it with just one significant lesson that i've learned, because i'm learning something new almost everyday. so i'm just going to try and cheat by listing some of the lessons that i felt were most important to my personal growth. i would have to base most of my learning experience in the past year on my time spent teaching in vietnam. in those four months i've learned that it's okay to appreciate that not all teaching experiences are the same and aren't always what i expect them to be, no matter how long i've spent planning a super-awesome lesson, or whether i end up teaching a class with full attendance or half the attendance. ive learned that being someone that hundreds of people look up to is quite a challenging yet satisfying responsibility, but it's not necessarily you doing the teaching, but rather the learning; and that even in the deepest pits of despair, i've learned to never to lose hope that things will eventually return to a sense of normalcy, and that it really is possible to maintain grace under fire. i've also learned that it's extremely important to know what counts and what not to take for granted when you're completely removed from your comfort zone, but at the same time, it's not until you've been able to step completely out of your comfort zone, that life's biggest lessons become the most apparent to you.

***

wowsers. that was a long post. but i rather enjoyed having to think about something other than rhetorical mush. thanks to jared for getting my brain to actually work overtime in answering those questions - hopefully my answers were more insightful than incompetent.

and so i pass the torch on to you - if y'all would like to also be in the spotlight, just hollar, and i'll give you something to think about :o)

coherency is for the weak.

2005-03-24T02:28:00.000-05:00

it's a magical thing when one is able to have a completely incoherent conversation with someone and fully understand every word of it, especially when most of the words are either made up, or no longer than five words...

just an excerpt:

erin: i mean, at least have the consider--, considerate--, *continuously snaps fingers in the air in desperate attempt to find the right word* ... considerateness.
me: um. consideration?
erin: yes. consideration. you know what i mean.
me: *delayed pause, followed by blank stare, eyes stinging from previous consecutive all-nighters* ... yes.

doh. i think i may have possibly forgotten what it feels like to sleep.

must... make... it.. through... one more... day.

i think i may have created a monster...

2005-03-22T04:45:00.000-05:00

and yes, another one bites the dust.

would everyone please give a warm blogger welcome to miss erin dwyer, who has finally surrendered herself to the wonderful world of blogging :o)

http://dramaface.blogspot.com

it was only a matter of time, my dear. :oP

a lil sump'in sump'in for miss erin dwyer.

2005-03-22T04:10:00.000-05:00

... you never said anything about getting the last word on THIS BLOG!

BOOOOOOYAH!

intense research:

2005-03-22T02:27:00.000-05:00

I started blogging in November 2000 and quickly developed blogorrhea, a condition that can be cured only by more of the disease, and the imposition of a kind of external discipline on a writer that depends on the growth of actual readers of one's blog.

[Blogorrhea: a tendency for creativity-strapped bloggers to write meaningless prose in an attempt to keep their blog active.]

-- from We've Got Blog: How Weblogs are Changing Our Culture

hmm. if diarrhea can give you "the runs", can blogorrhea give you "the blogs?"

ba-dump-dump ching! :oP

another phase?

2005-03-21T22:09:00.000-05:00

just a little...

forget about tim horton's double-doubles, french vanillas, and hot chocolates with mint tea bags - stella's got a new craving-obsession:

tim horton's hot apple cider

ohhhhh, baby. that's the stuff! :oP

and in the meantime, 1.5 out of 3 essays done - and yes, all due by the end of tomorrow.

SCHOOL ROCKS!!

... *sigh*

"i'm not irish, but kiss me anyway!" :ox

2005-03-18T00:53:00.000-05:00

still feelin'

yep, nothin' says "happy st. paddy's day!" better than several nightly rounds of cards over bubbletea with the 134 columbia clan at sweet dreams tea shop. :o)

highlights of the night:

watching ryan somehow launch a bubbletea cup from one end of sweet dreams to the other, straw skillfully still placed in mouth
almost getting into a car accident from watching "random irish dude" in obvious drunken stupor giddily skip, trip, and fall on his face in the middle of the intersection at columbia and phillip

happy (now-belated) green day everyone!

"they like me! they really do like me!"

2005-03-16T20:25:00.000-05:00

feelin'

i have the best students in the world :o)

i opened my mailbox this afternoon and was pleasantly surprised to find oodles of e-greetings from my students back in vietnam, including a myriad of vietnamese songs i've been missing since i left - all sent in hopes that it would all help me get over my sickness. *sigh*

and if that wasn't cool enough, miss estelle was voted one of the best top 3 teachers at Truoung Vinh Ky Private High School from last september till now - looks like i've somehow managed to leave a lasting impression. how awesome is that? :oD sure, most of them probably didn't understand what the heck i was saying at the time, but nevertheless, it's nice to be appreciated. (thank you matthew for all the info!)

aww shucks, i seem to be quite overwhelmed by all these warm fuzzies. they sure know how to make a girl feel mighty special. if only january could come a lot faster!

but for now, i'mma gonna get my groove on to the hip musical stylings of k-os' Crabbuckit! WOOT!

"No time to get down 'cause I'm moving up, ah-ah
Check out the crabs in the bucket..."

90+ sips of hot lemon-honey-water concoction later...

2005-03-15T21:40:00.000-05:00

skipping school on account of being sick just isn't as glamorous as it used to be in elementary school. at least back then, classmates would consider it a streak of luck that you got to miss school - in 4th year univeristy, it just isn't the same. instead of being able to watch morning cartoons, completely covered up in my favourite mickey mouse and ghostbuster flannel blankies, and being able to smell the lipton chicken noodle soup my mommy would be preparing for me in the kitchen; i decided to overcome the guilt of missing class by catching up on readings, and confining myself in bed.

don't get me wrong, though. besides feeling like your body's on fire, and watching bits of your nose peel off your face with every kleenex-blow, there are still some perks to being sick at home; one of them is being able to achieve sexy-phone voice status when random strangers call your house asking for the wrong person and/or number, and another is all the liesure reading you can do when you get annoyed with the other "required" class shtuff.

today's choice: he's just not that into you: the no-excuses truth to understanding guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. this book has been getting an overwhelming response by its readers as well as most of my girlfriends, and yes, even Oprah - so, i wanted to see what all the hype was about and decided to read it for myself. some of my friends who have read this book had come out of it like they had reached an epiphany in their dating lives, while i on the otherhand, was rather bored and hurting from rolling my eyes so much. no duh he's just not into you if he's having sex with someone else. no duh he's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. and no DUH he's just not that into you, especially if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak - yes, these are actually some of the ever-so-eloquent chapter titles in this book. throughout the whole read, i was thinking, okaay... now tell me something that i didn't know already. sure, this book has its funny points, but dang - i could have easily written what they had to say in much less than the 165 pages it took them to write it.

women really need to see guys as guys, and not these objects on some marble pedestal of ideal perfection. why is that such a difficult concept to grasp? Confucious once said, "Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated". the understanding of guys is more so the same - they're normal, living, breathing, simple creatures whose complexity is only conjured up in the minds of women. who knows, maybe i can see the obviousness of it because i had the opportunity to learn all this in the earlier stages of my life, and unfortunately the hard way, with the added blessing of having enough guy friends who tell me exactly what they're thinking, and sometimes i feel sorry for half the poop we put them through. yeesh.

so much for "leisure" reading.

note to self: from this point on, it might be a good idea to stay away from dating self-help books, even if Oprah did recommend them. :oP

cough slowly but surely on the road to recovery

2005-03-13T22:46:00.000-05:00

je suis

as promised, i'm back, and for the most part feelin' somewhat better - at least emotionally. my friend "TOM" has finally left (TOM = time of the month ;oP), and now i'm onto bigger challenges - one of which is to get over this pesky fever-cold thing that's been beating up my immune system since thursday. ugh. i feel like a thousand midgets are quebec square-dancing all over my forehead, while little gremlins have run away with my voice and are now gleefully scraping the sides of my tonsils with mini-daggers, and my nose is on a one-track course to winning an olympic marathon.

but whew, whatta week it's been - i stop blogging for just a few days, and all the good stuff happens! all of a sudden my no-longer-little brother somehow magically turned college grad on friday, i've been promoted to sunday school teacher for the young teens at church, i realized that i'm a bigger american idol geek than i originally thought because i'm WILLINGLY going to the kelly clarkson concert by myself, i've been assigned the task of designing my bridesmaid dress for my cousin's wedding in august; and though i'm still slightly in denial about it, my dad turned the big double-5 today. and now rumour has it that there are only 3 weeks and 2 days of undergrad left?! yikes! how the heck did we get from 4 months to 3 weeks?!?!

it's amazing though - i think i'm finally at that reflective stage in my life where i can sit back, look at this 5-year journey called undergrad and see what i've accomplished (then again, when you're sick, and once the movies and reading material runs out, there really isn't much else one can do but reflect :oP) - of all which aint too shabby, if i do say so myself :o) but of course, the overwhelming feeling of what i still need to accomplish hasn't completely settled in yet. but that's just peachy, cuz well, everyone needs a little healthy fear of what may lie beyond convocation :o) onwards and upwards, i say! :o)

as the song goes, "mama said there'll be days like this. there'll be days like this, my mama said". i think at this point, i've come to accept that drama and life's general poopiness come and go as they please.

and so i skoff in their general direction.

*scoff scoff... double scoff*

*ahem* funny how scoff easily turns to cough.

ack. yep, that's definitely a cue for me to hit the hay.

it's been a shrug-n'-wrinkle-your-nose kinda weekend...

2005-03-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

full-blown

disclaimer: the following is a series of rants and complaints partially caused by the author's low tolerance of people's moronic and pathetic behaviors, as well as the ongoing immense pain and emotional poopiness caused by PMS. the text you are about to read may be slightly longwinded, somewhat depressing or annoying, and even perhaps a little scarier than what you are used to reading; but please know that in the next week or so, once the pain and the cramps subside, and the bombarding feeling of being overwhelmed by too much responsibility has died down for the author, this blog will eventually return to its pseudo-regular normalcy. brace yourselves folks, this one's a doozy.

i haven't really been feeling like myself these past few weeks, and i think i've finally reached an emotional/physical slump. it's been a while since i've had just a completely dry, blah weekend. seemed like everything on friday was fine, until about 11pm when i just suddenly felt so... ugh. the past two days have been just on the downside, and i think the february blahs have finally caught up with me a month late. i'm not even sure why this weekend has just been so bum (which actually isn't true - of course having to deal with my body going through an unexpectedly painful PMS-overdrive does not help at all), but all my energy and motivation to do practically anything completely poofed out of existence this weekend. and right now i'm too tired to take a nap (if it's possible), and far too blah to be inspired to write anything academically sound. so i thought that maybe by writing this blog it would either make me tired enough to sleep, or stir up some motivation to do something productive.

my patience was tested on saturday when i was talking to a friend about his current love-life, or rather, lack there-of. as some of you know, i've somehow adopted the duty of being the "family therapist" of our circle of friends, and usually i'm more than happy to sit with them and hear their problems and help them move along in their lives. that's not where the problem comes in. the problem happens when someone wastes my time pining and whining about something and expecting me to give him the same advice - and KNOWS that i'm giving him the same advice, and just like in the other "sessions", completely lets everything go through one ear and out the other. and when he's dealing with stella on a not-so-friendly PMS-trip, it would have been better for him to avoid getting his head bitten off (not to be taken literally, of course, says the barber!)
let me introduce you to my biggest case study so far: for privacy sake, let's call him ringo (claudia, i'd like to thank you for the inspiration with the names! lol). ringo likes dingo (sorry folks, my creative ability to rename people has also gone down the drain), and has liked her for over a year now, except dingo has made it absolutely clear that she wants no romantic involvement with ringo. however, whether she realizes it or not, dingo has been taking advantage of ringo ever since ringo confessed his true feelings to her, asking him to do the most ridiculous tasks that she could probably do on her own - if anyone's heard diana krall's Peel Me A Grape, substitute Orange for Grape and add a little violent streak, and you have a pretty accurate picture of dingo's attitude towards ringo. and even despite the violent blows, the banshee-like screams, the name-calling, the insults that she voices out to ringo, he still pines for her love, and cannot accept seeing her with anyone else but him... ringo was telling me yesterday that he "thought that girls liked it when a guy didn't give up so easily on a girl" - i'm not sure what relationship manual he's reading, but there's a difference between not giving up and knowing when to quit - and if a girl starts beating up on you and insults you to your face on a regular basis, i would assume that those are obvious signs to quit... and on top of that, i'm not sure about other girls, but the girls i know, including myself find persistent guys quite annoying and easy to dislike, especially if we've already told them a flat-out NO. the last thing girls would appreciate (if at all) is a stalker and who can't take no for an answer. and in return, dingo shouldn't be milking it up because she knows that ringo would succomb to her every whim - she can't play the "if you loved me, you would..." card if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings back... yeesh. why is it that everyone outside of any relationship can see things so much more clearer than the people in the relationship? ugh.

this morning, i realized the ugliness that can result from mixing church and politics together. i'm going to spare everyone with the details of the whole situation, but nothing takes out the intimacy and joy from worship and fellowship like a bunch of mundane politics. i think that should be the last thing we should really be focusing on when we go to church. bureaucracy within the church walls interfering with the reason why we go to church in the first place is definitely something that i dislike with a passion - don't get me wrong, i fully understand that some sort of order needs to be put into place when it comes to running a church, but when it displaces people without any regard or warning, it doesn't feel so good - especially when it comes to juggling people around (ie: me) like it was a game of hot potato.

in ongoing stresses, things at home have been slightly taking its toll on me. without really breaking the borders of this being a public blog, let me just say that while every friday i'm reminded of why it's a little too much for me to come back home to 'sauga, every monday it gets harder for me to leave home and back to waterloo. it's an awkward feeling to be 24 and still have people keeping tabs on you, but at the same time, still be able to appreciate the simple fact that there's just no place like home.

... and if someone says one more thing about my weight or stresses how "important" it is for me to lose it, i think i am seriously going to break down.

yikes. if this is what i'm like during PMS, i can't imagine what it would be like for the the poor fool who marries me and has to put up with me when i'm actually pregnant. :oS

non-stop eating!

2005-03-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

reunited :o)

well, it's been a good (and unexpectedly) non-stressful week back - and i think i spent the majority of it eating :oP. after a few days catching up on sleep, pigging-out on chips and chocolate, several rounds to bulk barn for refills, another go at the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet, and squeezing in a couple of movies avec erin and claudia, the weekend has once again found me back home in mississauga, painfully but happily stuffed with shrimp pad thai (courtesy of tess and the green mango restaurant), and in crucial need for another nap.

it was also a pleasant surprise to have the always-wonderful esther choy visit us in the loo during her reading week, giving us reason to pull a last-minute girls-night and yet ANOTHER excuse to stuff our faces with oodles and oodles of good eats. we only made it through the first half of Reality Bites due to an extended ice-cream-biscotti-and-hot-chocolate-almost-cheesecake break, but the movie lost its priority once joyce initiated the girl-talk - hehe, there are just some things that girls shouldn't talk about around guys!

and the grubbin' just doesn't stop there... not only do i smell some good home-cooking downstairs for dinner, but tonight's plan is for my youth group to take our german missionary friends out for their first encounter with bubble tea :o)

man, if i wasn't going through massive PMS right now, i'd have no excuse to be eating so much! :oP

...wow.

2005-03-03T01:11:00.000-05:00

i'm still in awe :oP

check out these moves!

5 more weeks of undergrad ahead...

2005-02-28T13:30:00.000-05:00

current mood:

well, today i kiss reading week goodbye... i was blessed with 10 days away from waterpoo, but how fast time flies. it's now only a matter of time before march creeps its "spring-like" self upon us, which means 5 more weeks of school. HOLY MOLY where did the time go?!

just checked my exam schedule - i've managed to luck out with one exam. after april 9, it's pretty much "so long undergrad!". however, this kinda dampens my plans on participating in the 30hr famine with my youth group... unless of course i just grin and bear with the hunger pains while writing about the hebrew prophets and their significance to biblical history - perhaps i'll be needing some divine intervention? :oP *sigh* but even with the simple joy of having just one exam to prepare for, there's still a whole bunch of other shtuff i gotta cram in before march 31, including class seminars, more fiction writing and editing, over 5000 words of essay-delight, sermon and church camp planning, and a whole lot more...

but on a brighter note, i received an e-mail from the head director at ViUS - the teacher-recruiters that looked after me in vietnam last fall. looks like in 2006 it'll be vietnam part deux from january to august pour moi. i'm quite excited! :oD

so this is what i have lined up for me in the next few months:

march: muster up all my remaining energy and finish 4B
april: write that sucker of an exam on the 9th and then speed off to moffat to join the rest of the hfbc youth for the 30hr famine, goof around in waterloo for a week or so (just because i can), and possibly fit in some weekend visiting plans to kingston and michigan in my not-so-busy-anymore schedule
may: a little unwinding, a little chillin', turning into veggie tale status and being a pirate who doesn't do anything, except for a 1-2 week road-trip to the maritime provinces avec erin :o)
june: attend convocation (cuz mommy and daddy say i have to!); plan, plan, and plan some more for our church family camp in july
july: church family camp from the 15th-17th, followed by an adventurous trip to the PHILIPPINES starting on the 23rd
august: come back nicely tanned and stress-free (and hopefully still single? lol) from the philppines on the 21st, send jandrew off to saginaw valley in michigan for university
september: find a decent part-time/full-time job that i can occupy myself with until december - or at least long enough for me to get enough money for january and to pay off usual expenses
october: hopefully still at the same part-time job i got in september
november: hopefully still working...
december: quitting my job gracefully, applying for teachers college or possibly a masters in education (?!), attending the joshua revolution 2005 conference with my youth group and chaperoning the younger folk
january 2006: pack up my bags for yet nother teaching adventure in vietnam for at least 7 months

whew! dang. of course, somewhere in between i plan to make room for a whole bunch of chillin' like a villain and catching up on my sleep :o)

sumpin' tells me that these next 5 weeks are going to go by pretty quickly. and considering that reading and writing weren't much of an option this past week, and also realizing that i have another essay due tomorrow, back to the grind-stone i go!

geeks are sexy!

2005-02-25T00:12:00.000-05:00

today i've realized that i have a thing for geeks - smart, intellegent, hot geeks with intense brainpower that make 'em so hot, they're on FIIIYYAAAAAH! :oP

earlier today, while in deep conversation with cirstina over white chocolate mochas at starbucks, we allowed ourselves to be transfixed on the topic of "prefixes" (yes, hurrah to the english majors!), specifically the prefix "con-" - as in context and construction. but then we became rather perplexed when exploring other vocabulary words that began with con- that didn't seem to work with its original meaning "with" or "to bring together", as in words like contrast, confuse, etc.

really. leave it up to us to entice ourselves with conversation topics revolving around punctuation and grammar ... (omigoodness, we're such dorks!) :oP

and then suddenly, out of nowhere, this rather good-looking fellow sitting at the table beside us paused from writing in his red hilroy notebook, and decided to join in on our discussion. when he spoke, it was eloquent, but not to the point where he sounded like a try-hard - it was more of a subtle nerdiness that i found quite attractive. i can't exactly remember what he said word for word, but it didn't matter, because both cristina and i were entranced by his words of wisdom. we were in complete awe and slightly smitten by his unexpected interest in our conversation - of course, the fact that he was really nice to look at helped a little too... hehe. sadly, it turned out that he was waiting for his girlfriend to get off work, but wowsers, was he ever cute!

*sigh* i now have a restored hope that there are still some decent, intellegent, friendly hot geeks left in this world :o)

one day, estelle... one day.

in other "non-geek-related" news, tonight i had the opportunity to check out york university's campus crusade for Christ weekly fellowship, where my brother and charlene attend every thursday. the testimonies and worship-time were wonderful. kinda makes me sad that my own schedule doesn't give me much opportunity to be more involved in the ccc at waterloo.

but overall, 'twas definitely a great day, full of good laughs, good times and super-awesome company :o)

and now, i blissfully wait for the effects of the white chocolate mocha to wear off... tee-hee :oP

another one.

2005-02-24T00:29:00.000-05:00

Take Me Back
Estelle Gonzales

5AM -- the marching band starts.
Off-tune riffs of ‘Old Suzanna’ chase evil spirits
into the backdrop of the morning sunrise.

A Vietnamese funeral procession commences.

Mutterings of street vendors and xé ôm drivers soon flood the alley.
Taking their positions, they set out a keen eye
for the best customer with the highest price.

“Madame! Sir! Coconut? Motorbike? Only 10 000 Vietnamese đong!”

Schoolgirls in white aó dàis bring back a glimpse of tradition.
On bicycles they float amidst the sea of vehicles and smog
created by the angst of a nation that works so hard to not be left behind.

Cloud-like images are distorted in the thick smoke and exhaustion of the city streets.

5PM -- the sinh tô ladies set up shop.
Filling their kiosk shelves with rainbows of fresh mangoes, papayas and starfruits;
their warm smiles genuine, invite good profit.

Their secret ingredient is sweet condensed milk.

The sun wearily sets on the run-down cityscape of Saigon.
Deep hues of oranges, violets, reds and terra-cottas mingle in the sky,
pressed up against the eroded grey walls of this concrete paradise.

Conversations too far off in the distance to hear with my foreign ears.

5AM – reality jerks me.
Startled by a rude awakening so unforgiving;
runway lights irritate my eyes
as we land on white-infested asphalt.

“On behalf of Air Canada, we’d like to welcome you to Toronto.
Currently it is plus two degrees outside.
We hope you enjoy your stay.”

i miss it all...

2005-02-24T00:16:00.000-05:00

hearing a familiar voice on the phone tonight only reminded me of how much of my heart i really did leave behind in ho chi minh city.

it was wonderful to hear your voice too...

never thought vietnam would have such an impact on me.

i want seconds.

at last glance: team vietnam ;o)

i love reading week!

2005-02-21T23:00:00.000-05:00

"memories are a beautiful thing when you don't have to deal with the past."

Before Sunrise and Before Sunset are also great movies. :o)

man, i really want to go to europe now.

it's all about the ellipses...

2005-02-20T16:49:00.000-05:00

Garden State is a great movie. :o)

my brother, the mac daddy?!

2005-02-20T01:36:00.000-05:00

just came back from a youth rally hosted by liebenzell missions in toronto. our youth group was asked to lead worship, and it was awesome to finally have the full group together again - the quality and genuine-ness of the worship and fellowship tonight was definitely something we all knew we'd been missing for a long time.

hmm. i also couldn't help but notice a good number of teenaged girls under fifteen that took particular interest in my brother throughout the duration of the night, in a rather giggly-schoolgirl-crush kinda way. yes. my brother. haha. oy. don't get me wrong, i fully understand why my brother would be getting this kind of attention from girls - the looks, the talent, and the personality are all part of the gonzales charm ;oP - but seeing it rub off on these girls before my very eyes, from an older-sister perspective, was just... ergh. but nonetheless, it was amusing. :o)

and to add to the "interesting" happenings of the night, i finally had the chance to meet my brother's current "love interest" *cue psycho shower theme song* and from the rally till now, he just won't stop asking me what i thought of her. but holding myself true to being his older sister, i think i'll wait a bit more before i tell him what i really think, at least when i'm more awake (my clock tells me that it's way past my bedtime). besides, sometimes it's just fun to just to see him squirm :oP after all, what are big sisters for? :o)

hmm. i gotta hand it to you though, it's kind of a sad thing to be out-macked by my own little brother. ahh well. :oP

boo dentists...

2005-02-19T14:22:00.000-05:00

while waiting for my brother at the dentist, i decided to amuse myself by going to the nearby dollerama and grabbed myself a caramilk bar. well aware of the fact that i just had my teeth poked, prodded, and scraped clean by my dentist, i decided to give into my tastebuds' cravings anyway.

there i was, standing in front of the dentist's office, suddenly hesitant about bringing that darned chocolate bar into the room. i actually felt guilty eating it in front of all those people. why? because at the dentist, eating a chocolate bar should be the last thing you should be doing... and aside from that, a part of me was afraid to look those hygenists in the eye while stuffing my face with sugar. just the thought of their frowning faces made me cringe. yeeesh.

so i remained outside, quite a distance from the office, sitting on a mall bench - just me and my caramilk - and waited until i completely finished it before going back into that office, wiping my mouth clean of any chocolatey evidence.

when i told my brother my story, he just laughed and told me i was a dork.

later at a gas station, he pulls out a crunch bar, looks at me, shrugs, and devours the entire thing in a matter of seconds.

it's refreshing to know that my brother is just as dork-like as i am. :oP

my new toy.

2005-02-18T17:37:00.000-05:00

so, i come home from waterloo today and i wonder where everyone is in the house. all of a sudden i hear heavy panting coming from the basement. a little curious and somewhat frightened, i made my way down the stairs and found my mother... furiously walking at a ridiculously fast pace, sweat dripping from her forehead... on our brand new treadmill.

surprise! that's right. my parents bought a new treadmill for the family to enjoy. probably the twentieth time they've bought something fitness-related off the home-shopping channel - and not only does the NordicTrack C2000 provide you with fast fat-burning results, it also comes with RejuvenAire Aromatherapy fans to cool you down while you're breaking a sweat. *blank pause* this thing in my basement isn't just any treadmill - it's the honkin' mother of all treadmills!

the purpose: for the entire family (namely me) to shed a few pounds before my cousin's wedding. yeeesh.

i must admit though, it looks mighty fun to play with, what with all the pretty display buttons and settings (i wonder what "extreme challenge" is like :oP)... definitely something i can see myself using to pass the time i should be using to be academically productive :o) *tee-hee* ... excellent!

in other news, i've handed in my intent to graduate (AHH!), and we've booked our flight for philippines on july 23rd :o) yay! i can't wait!

let reading week begin!

2005-02-18T01:48:00.000-05:00

mmmm...

an oldie but a goodie: "i can't dance", genesis

just sittin' here, double double in one hand, and a peanut butter cookie in the other.

life is fabulous.

for the first time this term, 392C was cancelled this morning. i could have slept in. but instead of running back to the comfort of my bed and catching up on much needed z's, i decided to tough out my wiredness and fill my one hour and a half gap with coffee, tea, and mandy :oP

in the evening, joyce (whose upcoming adventures in seattle i am slightly jealous of) and i welcomed reading week by enjoying a whole lotta mr. sushi goodness for dindin over awesome conversation that lasted till closing. we then dared to walk into hmv where there was a *gasp* SALE going on. while i managed to survive without increasing the hole inside my wallet, joyce on the other hand managed to escape with the moulin rouge dvd and best of red hot chili peppers cd for only a whoppin' $30 (pssst! be prepared to lend them both to me! :oP)

and what better way to end the opening ceremonies of reading week than having a late-night girls pow-wow over happy meals, fudge sundaes, and watching shall we dance? - which was quite the wholesome, feel-good dance-movie. *sigh* if only all men were as dashing as richard gere on their feet. dang. now i feel inspired to head back to the flying dog on thursday night. stella needs to get her salsa-groove on, baby! i'm currently looking for potential dance partners, so if anyone's interested, then just hollar! ;oP

so now i'm officially free! well, not completely - of course i'm in denial of the amount of reading and work i have lined up, but still i look forward to chillin' like a villain for the next ten days.

if any of you ppl are in the 'saugs sometime this week, then please feel free to join me in the festivities! i'm always up for an adventure or five :oP

knowing too much of something has its consequences...

2005-02-17T03:47:00.000-05:00

February. It’s been nine months since the restraining order. Two hundred and sixty-seven days since I lost complete trust in the opposite sex. I often wonder whether change is a kind of disease, because it well should be – like a leprosy that gnaws away at your health, intelligence, and peace of mind.

I came home tonight and got into the elevator of my apartment. An hour later, I couldn’t recognize whose blood stains were all over my hands.

***

well, after a lot of thinking and frustration with unnecessary apartment drama, i finally found something to write my short story about. i only had to look as far as the room next door to be ... "inspired".

first, second, third and fourth opinions were all unanimous in saying that i really captured the mind of a psycho in my writing - and i'm still unsure whether to take that as a compliment or not. to be honest, i think this is the most disturbing piece of literature i've written yet. some definite oy-age is in order.

ergh. one more day until my reading week begins (the perks of being in arts in contrast to engineering :oP)... just one more day until i can be free from this drama poop and seek sanctuary for the next ten days.

hmm.

2005-02-15T04:48:00.000-05:00

valentine's day was a quiet one this year. funny how the singletons of 134 columbia were gifted the most amount of chocolate and valentines :oP this year, i had the privilege of having erin as my hot valentine date, with whom i celebrated the day by watching yet another episode of Felicity, and later joining ed and claudia at milton's in kitchener for a nice quaint dinner filled with great conversation and good times. stuffing our faces with a few cupcakes and chocolates (courtesy of linda) afterwards led to a little difficulty fitting into our jeans... *burp* but it was good. :o)

happy heart day, everyone!

these past couple of weeks have had their share of "interesting" moments. thankfully, more good than bad.

here are just a few highlights worth illustrating:

claudia and me looking shnazzy at lunarfest

dynamic duo: trusty page-turner erin, and ryan the pianIST :oD

mini-casa alumni reunion (i've missed you guys!)

look! we're on camera! :oD

reppin' the 905, 416, and the 613 - crit bredren 4 LYFE! ;o)

nature nuts: jon (ze photographeur) and cris :o)

jared: "the water's GREAT! ... um. guys? i can't feel my feet!"

note to self: get a scrabble game dictionary :o)

lovely day.

2005-02-12T22:30:00.000-05:00

feeling...

a few more kilometers added on my sentra's mileage, and cristina and i find ourselves in kingston for yet another a crit-tastic day-extravaganda chez jon et jared. numb bums and all, it was the kind of escape i was hoping for - exploring the street-scene of k-town, being humbled by a 13-year old girl on a dance-dance-revolution high, kite-watching, attempting to cross the icey surface of lake ontario, scrabble-mania over hot chocolate, and spending time with some awesome crit-folk. *sigh* not only did i happen to find one knight in shining armor, but i ended up with 3 :oD woohoo!

'tis a shame we couldn't stay for ong-bak and pizza goodness, though. perhaps one of these days when schedules become less hectic and homework/midterms become even less of a priority, we'll make a full weekend of it :o)

till then, at least for the next few days before i'm off for reading week (double woohooo!), it's time to hold my nose to the grind-stone and go completely whoop-ass on school shtuff.

... that is, if a few (read: everything + special features x 4) rounds of The Notebook don't get to me first :oP

but now, my body is telling me that i am pooped, thus i must sleep.
oh sweet, glorious sleep... :o)

unfortunately even good things come to an end...

2005-02-11T04:41:00.000-05:00

i feel the need to vent.

perhaps i might have fooled myself into thinking my waterloo drama would subside and gradually disappear into oblivion this term. the once-considered "indirect" drama has apparently decided to take a direct hit to my patience.

unbelievable.

last year it was issues with roommates who unbearingly went "bump" in the night. after a little over a month, i see that even the best of times can crash and burn. looks like after today, this year is starting to take a more umm... violent turn on things.

sadly enough, the social harmony of 134 columbia seems to be falling apart.

i've never had to kick anyone out of my apartment before, but drastic times called for drastic measures - to say the least, i was far from impressed. the last thing we need in our apartment is yet another melodramatic crisis on our hands, especially during midterm season. in saying that, my tolerance for some people's immaturity and stupidity is about thisclose to zero.

this is not good. not good at all.

i'm actually a little scared to see what might happen if things don't change for the better. it just seems like no matter how hard i try to stay away from getting involved, i'm still the monkey in the middle somehow - at this point, i'm rather fed up with it.

... i need to escape for a bit - if anyone just happens to run into a knight in shining armor, please send him my way. i'm in serious need of rescuing. :oS

man, i love my brother.

2005-02-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

sometimes a picture can be worth more than a thousand words... :oP

sweet procrastination

2005-02-07T01:26:00.000-05:00

after watching halfway through the final season dvd box set of Fraiser, getting through two thirds of the third season of Felicity, and taking extended study breaks for bubble tea and random bursts of dance moves in my room, i think i'm finally ready to do some work. such a familiar tune, i know, but in the wise words of charlie brown, "I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time."

... and it seems to be working just fine. :o)

***

wednesday night will be the annual lunerfest fashion show extravaganza at fed hall, where most of the asian clubs of UW gather together to celebrate their new year. i still haven't figured out how us filipinos managed to bypass this tradition, but since i seem to be going through a continual ethnic identity crisis, i thought i'd just "casually" blend in nicely with the festivities :oP

this year, claudia's asked me to perform again for the big fashion hoopla. the theme of my scene: bridal wear ... *cue suspenseful music - dumm dummm DUMMMMMMM*. initially, claudia suggested to me that i should wear a wedding dress for my performance to match the rest of the models who would be walking down the catwalk with their model-grooms. after i spent about 10 minutes freaking out at the idea of me in a wedding dress, claudia decided that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea afterall, and finally left the choice of wardrobe up to me. :o)

should be a good show though. to show my support for the asian groups of waterloo, this is now the time when i shamelessly promote it all:

... probably doesn't really help or change the fact that i have 2 midterms on thursday, and that i'll probably be spending the majority of my week justifying all-niters; but such is the life of an english major/rs minor with a 6-courseload. :oS you'd think that they would have at least warned me or something before i signed up for this gig. :oP

of course, i do realize that it's my own fault for procrastinating so much.

hmm. maybe i can still fit another episode of Fraiser before i go to bed. ;o)

and the beat goes on...

2005-02-05T11:48:00.000-05:00

current state of being:

And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend...

-- from Norah Jones' Feelin' the Same Way

quite the catchy tune.

mmm. yay for great weekends.

sunny day
blue skies
walks in the park
fantabulous company
various onomatopoeia
and the wonderful art of procrastination

i'm all smiles.

:o)

ugh. some people.

2005-02-04T22:36:00.000-05:00

just a little...

... earlier today, while at my friendly neighborhood loblaws, there was this slightly annoying couple behind me, who kept running back and forth, in and out of line, budding in front of people, assuming they would keep their places while out gathering their things. by the time they had found themselves behind me, it had probably been the sixth time that they had come back from "forgetting something". suddenly the woman's husband realizes he forgot to grab some apples, and wonders if it was worth it to run back to the produce area and grab some. we were only a metre or so away from the cashier's counter. the woman, then remembers she forgot to get milk. behind me i could hear them whispering, debating on whether it would be a good idea for both them to leave and then come back when they were already so close to the cashier's counter - again. her head peeked over my side rather snobbishly, followed by the following statement whispered to her husband in a very snide tone:

"it's okay honey. she doesn't look like she speaks any english."

if she had peeked around my shoulder again, she would have seen my eyes bulge out in complete shock and disrespect. but instead of turning around and proving them wrong by yelling out various outbursts of rather "impolite english slang", i bit my tongue and kept to myself ... until they budded RIGHT in front of me once returning from their quest for apples and milk. i looked back, and saw the rest of the line just glaring at them in disgust. even the cashier pointed out to them that i was next in line. the couple just exchanged looks (as if they didn't know) and finally stepped aside.

... which was when i turned back, and unexpectedly opened my mouth:

"my english is just fine, thanks."

the lady's jaw dropped, realizing her mistake.

"oh. i didn't know."

... to which i happily replied before grabbing my bags,

"that's okay... it doesn't look like you have any manners."

upstart 2005

2005-02-04T01:06:00.000-05:00

tonight i had the pleasure of seeing some of UW's finest student-actors onstage in upstart 2005. among them was my fabulous roommate, miss erin dwyer, who nabbed the starring role in the student-written independent play, Kate Herself. she delivered quite an impressive performance so believable, that it almost compelled me to shed a tear or five. hats off to you, chica :o) ... when you win that oscar, please remember us little (read: heavily in debt) people *wink wink, nudge nudge* :oP

to celebrate opening night, we decided to watch yet another episode of Felicity - yep, this is what we've really been doing these past few weeks since school started. that's right.. pffft on school. of course, now that i've contentedly purchased the second and third seasons, and since we've only just started the second dvd of season two, there'll be plenty more nights of Felicity goodness ahead... such a shame it was cancelled - ugh! such a travesty, i tell you!

... but i think i've managed to get erin hooked on it too. ;o) muuuhahahaha!

tonight's favourite quote:

"It's just weird talking about B-list people... with an A-list guy."

-- Felicity Porter

*le sigh*

classic estelle.

2005-02-02T17:17:00.000-05:00

current mood:

when i was about six years old, i had decided that i was invincible. i then thought it would be a brilliant idea to place my hand on the side of a burning pot that was sitting on top of a very-active stove burner.

... it seemed like a brilliant idea at the time.

18 years later, the fresh swelling and pulsating of my left hand's fingertips help me come to the conclusion that my intellegence hasn't changed much since i was six.

i am so smart. s-m-r-t.

more than just an analysis.

2005-02-01T17:50:00.000-05:00

quite a few brain cells were sparked during my rhetorical criticism class today. after spending the majority of the one hour and a half class analyzing a toronto star article about Marcel Tremblay, the 78-year-old ottawa man who committed suicide last friday, it seemed to have left a slightly unusal and unsettling afterthought in my mind, even until now. before class ended, the prof asked us to write a response to the article - whether or not we thought Tremblay's actions were justifiable or not.

it took me a while to figure out what to write on paper... the article had left me baffled, which soon led to slight confusion, and perhaps may have even caused a slight struggle between my Christian beliefs and my own understanding of humanity.

i had been taught that suicide is wrong in God's eyes - and it's always made sense to me that to take your own life is a selfish decision, taking the "easy way out". it says in Galatians 6:7-8: "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life", meaning that by "playing God" with your own life, you would indeed be making a mockery of God.

but then there's the other side of the coin - being human, we have free will, and with free will, we have the choice to exercise it through the decisions we make in our lives. i tried thinking through Tremblay's perspective, and i felt a genuine sympathy and compassion towards his reasons for taking his own life. i tried to imagine what it would be like to be a frail 78-year-old man who had been fighting terminal lung complications, not knowing when he'd breathe his last breath, constantly worrying about how painful his last gasp of air would be, and to then think of how much of a burden he'd be to his family or friends while waiting for that day to come.

... and then i realized that i could never really place myself in Tremblay's shoes. his life-perspective would probably never be something i could understand.

as i continued to dwell on it, the sympathy and compassion that i was feeling gradually transformed into saddness and fear.

i'm not really sure where i'm going with this blog, because even now my mind is just a mesh of so many questions and thoughts that even i can't seem to organize into one set thought...

as for my response to the article - i'm still unsure. do i personally think that what he did was wrong? perhaps. were his actions justifiable? only God knows.

i guess sometimes it can be so easy to be suaded into seeing the the greys of this world, and forget that reality is as simple as black and white.

... just something to think about, i suppose.

24's off to a lovely start...

2005-01-31T01:37:00.000-05:00

while the past week consisted of daily studious (read: furious?) all-nighters till 10am, the weekend following was a nice change of pace: pseudo-surprise parties, presents galore, and wonderful times spent with good people that i hold so dear to my heart. some of them were MIA, but the good times just kept on rollin'. the celebrations were a little on the more quiet and simple side this year, but it was well-appreciated - i loved every minute of it. my valiant efforts to function on a total of 9 hours in 5 days were certainly not in vain. :o)

i am so blessed.

thanks to all who made it such an awesome birthday!

and now for a brief visual recap:

the celebrants: me, kitty, ryan

the roommates: ed, ryan, erin, me, joannie

the roommates + the "honoraries" (with claudia and bikin)

the girls

the boys

the best friend: tess et moi

the cake

the presents - including...

the DVD :oD

... but the most memorable highlight of this past weekend would have to be sunday morning. i had been asked to give the message during our church service, which included flashbacks and perspectives of vietnam shared with the congregation. what i had intended to be a 15-20 minute sermon, turned into a challenging and immensely emotional delivery, eventually leading to the entire congregation joining me in breaking down into tears.

though i've had a number of opportunities to speak at church, this time was distinctly different.

for once, i declined to read from a script in an attempt to sound smart.
for once, i let go of all my insecurities of crying in public.
for once, i truly understood the burdens of a Christian.
for once, i gave God back all the glory instead of myself.
for once, i was able to assess the meaning of spiritual growth.

and for once, i was comfortable with the fact that i really have grown up.

another year, another 2 essays and 1 take-home test to go.

2005-01-27T01:06:00.000-05:00

i left 23 with a chicken souvlaki pita in one hand and a leap of faith in the other.

here's lookin' at you, 24.

happy birthday to me!
(and ryan too!)

ps - props to the 134 columbia crew for being the first to wish me happy birthday ... BUT double props to miss sharon kwan for being the first to call me long distance from the yellow cornfields of iowa! :oD (YOU WIN!)

bum week ahead

2005-01-24T08:02:00.000-05:00

despite the fact that i brought all my books home this weekend, i somehow still managed to boycott any productivity - i didn't realize how far i've already fallen behind on schedule in the past 3 weeks. hmm. perhaps this term, i really did bite off more than i could chew.

week 4 = school poop piled high to the sky

monday:

continue researching for my rs230 essay

a whole lotta reading for engl392c and 309c

even more reading for rs272

tuesday:

study for my rs272 unit test

write up a poem, and finish editing 13 poems for engl335 workshop

start writing first draft of rs230 historical narrative

wednesday:

start writing my rs230 historical narrative

first draft of poem #2 due for engl335 workshop

rs205 assignment #2 due

rs272 unit test

thursday:

rs230 historical narrative due

friday:

rs272 unit test take-home portion due at 12pm

... and somewhere amidst all the academic chaos that has claimed me and any remains left of a social life for this week, i need to fit a birthday somewhere in all the craziness.

many of my friends and family have been asking me what i want this year - to be honest, i haven't had the time to really think about it in the past 3 or 4 weeks.

but now that you mention it... can i have a hug? :o(

picture day

2005-01-21T13:53:00.000-05:00

the last time i remember having to get all spruced up for picture day would probably be sometime in high school for my oac/grad photos. 5 years later, now so very close to the end of my undergrad journey, i'm going through some sort of twisted deja vu - not by choice, but by mom's choice :oP

while the photographer-dude did his thing, i couldn't help but think back through memories of yearbook photos where i either looked like a chipmunk or a hamster, all due to the photographer telling me to "smile with my teeth" - as i waited with mandy in line to take our photos, i told her that i absolutely refused to resemble any type of critter in my grad photos this time around, simply because these may be the last ones i'll ever have to take in my entire academic life (unless of course, i take the huge leap into "masters-dom", but that life-decision has still yet to be decided at this point in time).

although the whole process of taking these pictures reminded me of high school, it was a far cry from feeling like high school... which i think for me was definitely something i was thankful for - fortunately this time it was teenage/friend/boyfriend drama-free and stress-free. and instead of feeling the dread of growing up and having to redefine myself in university, it was refreshing to actually feel more defined and established in front of that camera today - i felt more of a calm acceptance that i have grown up and have still managed to maintain my sense of identity through the whole 5-year adventure. and to me, that's quite an accomplishment on its own. of course, i couldn't help but feel a little odd to have that cap and gown on, our faculty colours vibrantly screaming against the black of my gown. for a brief moment, i actually felt a smidgen of pride to have that sickly green colour sitting on my shoulders (why green?!). hard to believe that in a few months time, these pictures will come to really mean something - assuming of course, i get through this last term alive :oP

"mommy wow! i'm a big kid now!" :oD

full house

2005-01-21T01:15:00.000-05:00

... we're starting to make thursday poker nights a ritual over at 134 columbia. i mean, with all this newfound spacious goodness in our living room, we have no other choice but to take advantage of it and entertain our people :oP nothin' like a good gatherin' of friends from all over waterloo to come down and get in on a little chip-card action. of course, linda and i unfortunately being unskilled in the game, and still in "apprentice" mode, decided to watch all the action by the sidelines. however, erin has promised to give me a crash course in texas round-up, so in a matter of time i'm hoping i'll be hustlin' out my own poker skills and rakin' in the dough with the rest of the gang :o) - hmmmm. just gotta practice my poker face - apparently smiling and giggling during the entire game won't really help me much if i'm to play and win :oP

'twas definitely one of my better nights.

on top of everything else, the best news i've had all day is that the ever-so-lovely miss cristina has decided to come along with me to the philippines and be my date for my cousin's wedding (YAY!) - she'll be my knight in shining armor in fending off the local boys who my "maritally concerned" aunts may possibly set me up with back home. the plane takes off in mid-july, so whoever else is interested in coming with me, the more the merrier :oD

tangent: according to this i'm 33.3% total geek. phew. i expected much higher ;oP

first draft

2005-01-19T01:08:00.000-05:00

On the Steps of St. Joseph's
Estelle Gonzales 2004

city lights gradually fading from view.
the melancholic hum of our ’84 chevy wagon
serenading us
into the autumn of our discontent.

… correction: my discontent

st. joseph’s cross in the distance
surrenders its silhouette to the evening sky.
and as i watch the trees forfeit their leaves,
i brace for colder winds.

… “je me souviens”

youthful tears exhibit fear of transition.
mom just smiles, reassuringly
drying my eyes
with a leap of faith.

… do not worry about tomorrow
for tomorrow will worry for itself*

City lights now emit a nostalgic glimmer
and I find myself once again on the steps of St. Joseph’s.
Memories once so obscure to me;
return ten-fold.

… everything seems so much smaller now

I stand in silent commemoration.
Almost in mourning for the years almost forgotten.
As an autumn breeze greets me a melancholic welcome,
A whispered prayer escapes my lips.

… A lament for childhood’s passing.

*taken from Matthew 6:34

finally back in routine again.

2005-01-18T13:02:00.000-05:00

... fully recovered from jetlag and 90% readjusted to speaking and understanding the english language (... the remaining 10% lost forever :oP), i'm into week 3 of the school term at waterloo. crazily enough, the workload has already become as brutal as the -20 something degree weather outside. i suppose this is what i get for endlessly complaining how i missed being cold the past 4 months. go big or go home, i guess :oP

and as usual, to accompany the intense 6-course workload, i'm finding myself back into the habit of intense procrastination. currently, to pass the time i should really be using to edit the 13 poems for my creative writing workshop tomorrow, i've decided to let my mind wander into the not-so-far future, and daydream of phillipine sunsets, lying on the beach while sipping a cool, freshly blended mango shake; feeling the warmth of the sand between my toes. *sigh* not even a month into school, and i'm already fast-tracking to summer vacation.

so far, plans for making this dream a reality are on the go, c/o my family. turns out that one of my cousins in the philippines will soon be joining the elite group of no-longer-single people - yep, he's getting married - which gives us an even better reason to head over there and party it up with the rest of the family [read: feast like we've never feasted (...feasten? lol) before!]. and in addition, i've been selectively hand-picked to be a bridesmaid at the wedding. i was a little reluctant to say yes at first - not because this is probably the umpteenth time being asked to be a bridesmaid and still notthing even remotely close to being a bride (no, i'm not bitter - lol), nor because of the long distance, but because the motif of the bridesmaids' dresses is "pretty in pink" - or what i would like to refer to as "pretty in puke". i know that i should probably just grin and bear it, afterall, he's my cousin and this is his once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and all, but i detest wearing pink - almost as much as i detest minnie mouse (... and do NOT get me started on minnie mouse). don't get me wrong, depending on the shade, pink can be quite bearable and even somewhat pleasing to the eyes. yes, there are actually some people that i know who can and do pull off wearing pink very nicely.

yeah. not me.

perhaps there might have been a traumatic episode locked away in my childhood (one of many?) that could be a possible triggering factor in all this, but for as long as i can remember, i never really got used to accepting pink as a real colour. yes, it's sad... even more so because as i type this blog entry, fears of me resembling jigglypuff at my cousin's wedding are now surfacing... *sigh*

... alrighty then. back to work i go :oP

just smile.

2005-01-18T01:08:00.000-05:00

Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

-- Psalm 51:11-12
***
taking a slightly extended break from my 392c "reading", i decided to check my e-mail. to my surprise, there was one waiting for me from minh hung, my driver in vietnam. the letter consisted of one "hello", a couple of "yes, thank you"; along with a a series of questions, such as "how are you today?", "how long are you in school for?", "when are you coming back to vietnam?", and "will you remember to write me when you're married?" (yes, in that order.) - i couldn't help but smile while reading it.

throughout the letter, his english was broken, and perhaps may have appeared quite atrocious to the average english major. but it was interesting how quickly i could easily decode the orginizational pattern of this "new language", and still be able to get the main gist of the letter - fully comprehending its syntax and other accompanying grammatical elements. pretty nifty, i thought. :o)

i find great pleasure in how he always ends his e-mails with the following statement:

"God also bless us, halleluja! Amen!"

amen, indeed :o)

... finding peace and joy again.

stella's got a slight case of the blues...

2005-01-16T02:17:00.000-05:00

currently playing on my mediaplayer:

And there has always been laughing, crying, birth, and dying
Boys and girls with hearts that take and give and break
And heal and grow and recreate and raise and nurture
But then hurt from time to times like these
And times like those
And what will be will be
And so it goes

... But somehow I know it won't be the same
Somehow I know it will never be the same.

-- from "Times like These" by Jack Johnson

***
i seem to be going through some sort of melancholic phase. opening my e-mail inbox tonight, i saw that i had several e-mails from dear friends who had so greatly impacted my life while i was in vietnam. and in each of those e-mails, a repetitious pattern of three words was evident in all of them. three words that were so simple in appearance, yet meaningful enough to completely take over my emotions. the only appropriate response i could give was to just let the tears flow.

"i miss you."

... i miss you too.

you don't realize how different things are in your own country until after you've been physically removed from it for a certain period of time. and one of the differences that immediately jumped out at me in the past two weeks is that there are a lot of unsatisfied people in north america - people who aren't at peace with their lives; people who place their hope and interests in such mundane, temporary things; people who seem so unhappy with what they have, and don't realize how much worse others have it. it would be hypocritical for me to say that i've never found myself in this category of people from time to time, and knowing that i too can be a hypocrite, only fills me with a kind of selfish guilt that at most times i try to avoid feeling.

it's a no-brainer to know that material wealth is far more abundant in north america than in vietnam. but one distinguishing factor between our culture and theirs, is that there is such a joy and peace among their people, and a true appreciation of what they already have and strive for - a joy and peace, and true appreciation that i feel i've been violently robbed of since i've been back.

it's a disheartening thing to come back to school and hear all the hoity toity chatter of some of the students fresh from their co-op terms: an endless array of "how much money did you make?", "oh, my job made more than yours", "microsoft makes more money than google", and "you could have made so much more money" resonated in the air - ironically accompanied by the familiar poop smell of waterloo. far be it from me to all of a sudden turn activist, but it's all giving me a headache.

watching tv with a few friends over the weekend, it saddened me to see them immediately change the channel when support-ads for tsunami relief came on, but then watch attentively, wide-eyed and possessed by commercial specs of the latest LG cell phone as they flashed across the screen.

... it made me feel even worse when i looked down at my phone, and realized it was the same model.

then i thought back to the times i spent at the orphanages in vietnam, playing bubbles with the kids. i remembered loc, the 17-year-old boy with entwined limbs who had so much joy and bliss when the bubbles would touch and pop on his nose - i then had to excuse myself to the washroom as tears were about to burst from my eyes.

i miss being at peace. i miss knowing that joy.

oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

rhetorical adventures?!

2005-01-13T13:03:00.000-05:00

... an excerpt from my rhetorical criticism textbook:

You are about to embark on an exciting adventure that will engage and stimulate your critical thinking skills and challenge you to develop more sophisticated writing skills. If you are like most rhetorical critics, you will find yourself engaged, intrigued, inspired, and sometimes frustrated and baffled as you work through critical methods and develop analyses of artifacts. The process of rhetorical criticism is demanding and difficult, but it is also fun, and it is a skill that will enable you to analyze the worlds others have created and to choose more diliberately the symbolic worlds that you yourself inhabit.

-- from Sonja K. Foss' Rhetorical Criticism - Exploration and Practice

... are we having fun yet?

sixth sense

2005-01-11T11:51:00.000-05:00

... earlier today in 392C

mandy: you look really tired today estelle.
me: mandy, i had a horrible dream last night.
mandy: oh no, what happened?
me: i dreamt that we had a pop quiz today and i didn't read [the article] the night before.
mandy: (assuringly) don't be silly estelle. the prof isn't going to give us a pop quiz on the third day of class.
(our eyes dart over to the door, watching our prof briskly enter the classroom)
me: (starting to panic again) ... well, did you read any of it?
mandy: (shakes head) nope. look estelle, she's not going to give us a pop quiz today, especially on a 20-page article. don't worry.
me: right. (in a more relaxed voice) you're absolutely right.
(amidst the class chatter our prof slowly writes the agenda of today's class on the board and turns to face the class)
prof morrison: ... and yes, we will be having a pop quiz today.
shawnica: i really think you need to stop having these dreams, estelle.

the one time i'm psychic. yeeesh - go fig. :oP

thankfully some things never change.

2005-01-11T01:50:00.000-05:00

late-night online procrastination. it's never felt so good.

we finally have internet at 134 columbia. 'tis a sweet, sweet, feeling indeed.

my original plan was to go to bed early because tonight's dinner at red lobster decided to start a battle-to-the-death with my tummy for most of the evening. but instead, i decided that blogging would be a much better remedy for it. i guess old habits truly do die hard. *sigh*

spent most of my morning and afternoon in north york with cristina chatting away over korean yummies and white chocoloate mochas. it was just one of those times when you don't realize how much you've really missed someone until the first hug... everything else subsequent to that hug only confirmed how wonderful it felt to be able to just pick up from where we left off. :o)

'twas de-lovely

2005-01-09T01:20:00.000-05:00

reunited and it feels so good... Peaches and Herb couldn't have sung it any nearer to the truth tonight. spent the past 10 or so hours making up for lost time with my favourite girls - the evening's festivities included hot chocolate gladness over dessert pastries at the good ol' apricot tree cafe in 'sauga, followed by a spontaneous grocery shopping adventure, and watching De-Lovely chez joannie. i absolutely adored this movie, and even had my first good cry of the year because of it. cole porter, hats off to you. *sigh* if only life could be one big musical... all the world's drama would be easily resolved with a song and dance. :oP

in addition, i've crossed a couple more movies off my must-see list: The Incredibles and yes, Napoleon Dynomite - of which i both found entertaining and immensely amusing. i must admit that contrary to the warnings i received regarding the latter film, i rather enjoyed its mindless, pointless humour. actually, i thought it portrayed humanity at its best and even possibly at its worst. eeps. one thing for sure is that i'll never listen to jamiroquai's "canned heat" the same way again. :oP

yay for feel-good weekends. plans for the rest of the weekend: purchasing the De-Lovely soundtrack and automatically switching gears into musical-freak mode, sweeping myself away into cheesy broadway showtune enlightenment for the next few ~~days~~ weeks... :oD

tran·si·tion (n.)

2005-01-08T03:08:00.000-05:00

1a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : CHANGE b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

-- taken from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

another year, another school term, another set of hopes, mistakes, life lessons, fears, self-affirmations, and blessings; a new series of ambitions and academic aims, and a newly rejuvenated heart and mind - all lined up for the next 357 days... and yes, with everything previously mentioned, so brings forth yet another opportunity to start a new blog.

after 4 months of fun n' pho in vietnam, not even 2 days after i arrived, i find myself thrown back into the habits of academic bliss, inconveniently jetlagged and somewhat incoherent. being jolted out of the energy of saigon and back into the snowy depths of canada, and then being chucked back into the busy-ness of "life as a 4b student" shortly after has left me with a strange kind of surreality. on the first day i arrived, i had trouble choosing which language to respond in - english, ilongo, or vietnamese. my nights were restless due to the lack of motorbike hums and streetvender mutterings that would normally serenade me to sleep. and on the first day of classes, my brain hadn't completely registered that being back in canada also meant that road rules here were different from saigon, making the task of crossing the street slightly difficult than what i was used to. suffice it to say, i'm a little messed in the head - but i have high hopes that everything will eventually fall into place once the jetlag subsides.

on a brighter note, seems like this year has taken a positive turn - i've removed myself from the dramas of wcri to the more calmer and happier surroundings of 134 columbia. this past week i've had uber good times reuniting with fantabulous people who i've missed dearly for the past few months :o). my schedule is a full 6-course load, but i welcome the healthy academic fear (as well as the luxury of having 4-day weekends) of the next 4 months being the last semester of my undergrad career in waterloo - EVER. :oD

and once again i am overwhelmed. this whole process of transition can be quite energy-consuming it seems, even more so how much it's going to take for me to readjust to everything again. from my newfound inabilities to speak proper english, to the shock of my church kids suddenly towering over me, to friends unexpectedly getting engaged and/or married, to all the (english) movies that i've missed, to thinking that hearing english radio is such an odd phenomenon, to getting used to paying more than 50 cents for a bowl of pho - all these things are just proof that nothing ever really stays the same, and that yes, life really does go on regardless of wherever i am. it's a known fact that change is inevitable, but it's one fact that i seem to have taken rather lightly in the past few months. strangely enough, i too have been shaped into someone much different than the person who left canada last august. i'm not really sure when it all happened, but the reality of it all is that it did... somewhere over time, i grew up a little, changed a little, lived a little, and gained a whole lotta wisdom along the way - *gasp* - even in my most humdrum moments, things are happening, one circumstance leading to the next.

such an oddity, this thing called change...