stella's got a slight case of the blues...

currently playing on my mediaplayer:

And there has always been laughing, crying, birth, and dying
Boys and girls with hearts that take and give and break
And heal and grow and recreate and raise and nurture
But then hurt from time to times like these
And times like those
And what will be will be
And so it goes

... But somehow I know it won't be the same
Somehow I know it will never be the same.

-- from "Times like These" by Jack Johnson

***
i seem to be going through some sort of melancholic phase. opening my e-mail inbox tonight, i saw that i had several e-mails from dear friends who had so greatly impacted my life while i was in vietnam. and in each of those e-mails, a repetitious pattern of three words was evident in all of them. three words that were so simple in appearance, yet meaningful enough to completely take over my emotions. the only appropriate response i could give was to just let the tears flow.

"i miss you."

... i miss you too.

you don't realize how different things are in your own country until after you've been physically removed from it for a certain period of time. and one of the differences that immediately jumped out at me in the past two weeks is that there are a lot of unsatisfied people in north america - people who aren't at peace with their lives; people who place their hope and interests in such mundane, temporary things; people who seem so unhappy with what they have, and don't realize how much worse others have it. it would be hypocritical for me to say that i've never found myself in this category of people from time to time, and knowing that i too can be a hypocrite, only fills me with a kind of selfish guilt that at most times i try to avoid feeling.

it's a no-brainer to know that material wealth is far more abundant in north america than in vietnam. but one distinguishing factor between our culture and theirs, is that there is such a joy and peace among their people, and a true appreciation of what they already have and strive for - a joy and peace, and true appreciation that i feel i've been violently robbed of since i've been back.

it's a disheartening thing to come back to school and hear all the hoity toity chatter of some of the students fresh from their co-op terms: an endless array of "how much money did you make?", "oh, my job made more than yours", "microsoft makes more money than google", and "you could have made so much more money" resonated in the air - ironically accompanied by the familiar poop smell of waterloo. far be it from me to all of a sudden turn activist, but it's all giving me a headache.

watching tv with a few friends over the weekend, it saddened me to see them immediately change the channel when support-ads for tsunami relief came on, but then watch attentively, wide-eyed and possessed by commercial specs of the latest LG cell phone as they flashed across the screen.

... it made me feel even worse when i looked down at my phone, and realized it was the same model.

then i thought back to the times i spent at the orphanages in vietnam, playing bubbles with the kids. i remembered loc, the 17-year-old boy with entwined limbs who had so much joy and bliss when the bubbles would touch and pop on his nose - i then had to excuse myself to the washroom as tears were about to burst from my eyes.

i miss being at peace. i miss knowing that joy.

oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.