embrace the mystery.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

yes, that's my final answer.

current mood:


okay, so here's the skinny: my now-blue-haired buddy, jared penner was inspired by his friend will to answer five meaningful and insightful questions on his blog (check out jared's post for March 20). and now, i've stepped up to the plate. the way it works is that you leave a comment, i give you questions, and you just pass that dutchie to your left hand side - err... i mean pass your thoughtful answers on through your blog.

warning: extremely long post ahead!

1) What are the best and worst things about being a Canadian Filipina?

i've always thought that the best thing about being a canadian filipina is having been brought up in the best of both worlds: to be able to experience the social, political, and even religious freedom and culture of being "canadian", and also having direct exposure to the multiculturalism of canada have always been things that i've highly regarded as a huge privilege. i believe that there are so many opportunities we have here in canada that at times are taken for granted - opportunities for education, for jobs, for the way we maintain our lifestyles. while being immersed in canadian culture, i can still be proud of my ethnic origin and be able to stick to my own roots; to still be able to know what a good wholesome filipino home-cooked meal tastes like, to be able to understand the language and all the quirks that come with the cultural package of being "filipino", and genuinely appreciate all of them. to put it in simplest terms, my cousin charlene had it down pat when she said, "we're not fobs, but we still get all of the jokes".

ironically enough, being a hybrid of both cultures can also be the worst thing. being deemed as not being saturated enough in either culture can sometimes leave me not really knowing where i belong - am i filipina? or am i canadian? in the philippines, at times i'm labelled as "not being filipino enough", simply because i was born in canada and not in the homeland - i get poked fun at my english accent whenever i try to speak tagalog or ilongo, and have even been accused of thinking that i'm better than everyone else because of the fact that i was born here and not there. at the same time, i've encountered moments when i can't even consider myself as filipina because i'm "canadian" - i remember filling out a form for church membership in my last workterm in vietnam, and i wrote down filipino as my background nationality. almost everyone was rather perplexed by it, their looks of bafflement followed by questions like "i thought you said you were from canada?" and "why did you write filipino if you're not from the philippines?" - i never really thought it was necessary for me to be one or the other, but i guess there are some people who think choosing sides is absolutely necessary.

there have also been times when i've had the unfortunate opportunity of encountering the ugliness that racism brings out in people when it comes to stereotypes and other social labels. in high school, when i got my acceptance to waterloo, i was told by more than one of my filipino friends that i shouldn't even bother going because "filipinos don't go to university - they're not supposed to"; and in my five years as an undergrad co-op student, there were arrogant corporate people permanently attached to their high horses who actually had the audacity of telling me that i was incapable of doing something because of my race, making it a double whammy when they'd bring my being woman into the whole picture - because really, as it was brought to my attention in my second co-op term, the only way i could ever end up with a decent job was if i slept with someone - because obviously, it all comes with the reputation of being a filipino woman (yes, that last part was sarcasm *roll eyes*).

i guess with issues like race and culture, it's a matter of determining whether being a canadian filipina is a win-win or a lose-lose situation - do the best points weigh out the worst points? i happen to think they do, especially when the best things are really what i consider significant, and i know i'm stubborn enough to try and break down every single one of those misleading stereotypes. i've never let my background be a hindrance to who i am, and i highly doubt i'll ever start doing so. i take pride in who i am, and of all the effort and time that's been invested by my family in providing me with the best they could give me in raising me up to be the person i am today.

2) As someone with many aunts looking to match up their favorite niece, how do you cope with the pressure of not being married?

*sigh* how did i know that you were going to bring my aunts into this? hmm. to be honest, i don't think i've ever really considered it much of a "pressure" whenever my aunts never cease to find a hot young filipino stallion that they hope will be the one for me, but when it comes to this i think of it as more of a thorn in my side, if anything. sure, it gets a little depressing here and there whenever i find out that yet another one of my friends or cousins has achieved engaged/married status, and ya know, i'd probably see this whole family matchmaking thing in a more positive light if it wasn't so blatantly obvious that they're on a mission to answer my so-called desperate cry for help; but being part of my stubborn nature, i still find myself refusing to give my aunts and the rest of my extended family the satisfaction of thinking that they've got the upper hand in contributing in my search to find mr. right.

and how do i cope with it? there used to be a time when i would find myself in a very frustrated, depressed state of mind, but i think that this particular game of matchmaker with my family is one that i've become rather desensitized to over the years that they've been playing it with me. i've come to terms with the simple detail that it's just one of the quirks in my family that i can't shake off, and though i realize that they're doing it in the best of taste and not doing it in some sort of conspiracy against me, i just calmly say, "thanks but no thanks", and brush it off. don't get me wrong, i'm well aware that i'm only getting older, and that someday i would love to find that kind of romantic relationship and completion that a significant other could provide me, but life is really too short for me to obsess over the fact that i'm 24, and unattached - especially since i really have until 35 to settle down and have kids and all that stuff that makes married life glamorous and wonderful. so for now, i just grin and bear it, and continue to have the hope that my potential husband is still out there somewhere, preferably not taken yet, and that i'll find him on my own terms. and if not, then fine - i can deal with that too, and life will go on as it usually does.

now, ask me this question again after i'm 35, and i may have a different answer for you entirely :o)

3) How does returning to Vietnam contribute to your larger life goals?

i've always tried to deliberately stay away from anything teacher-related as an option for post-undergrad work - partly because if i did, then i would automatically fall into the whole steroptype of english majors pursuing a career in teaching. but after all that's been said an done, my time spent in vietnam opened my eyes to a whole new perspective in being a teacher, making it something that i really want to pursue. of course, it wasn't all i expected it to be like, but i actually found that quite refreshing. this was a job that not only helped benefit those around me, but did a great deal to my no-longer-lack of self-confidence and views on how i see the world - i think i actually learned more in that one work term than i did in all my workterms put together. going to vietnam also did quite a number on my spiritual life - i think that having been completely taken away from everything that was familiar like home, food, culture, friends, family, etc., really helped me to focus on what it means to fully rely on God, because even when i felt like i was alone, He's consistently there.

the interaction with the kids, the interaction with other teachers, the responsibility of having students actually pay attention to what you have to say and learn something from it was just amazing. i think returning to vietnam contributes a great deal to my larger life goals in that i feel like i've finally found a job i feel drawn to and that makes me genuinely happy and not only gives me peace of mind, but in peace with my life. never in my mind would i have imagined me wanting to go to teacher's college or attempting to achieve a masters in education, but by going through things the second time around, i'm hoping to get that life-grasp that i've been looking for, in terms of where my abilities are most needed and can be most improved. i've always wanted a job that was people-oriented, satisfying, and gives me a chance to really contribute and make a difference in people's lives, where i can actually learn something in all aspects of life, and so i think that with this upcoming sequel to my vietnam experience, it'll definitely help me gain even more experience and prepare me for future opportunities, both academic and personal.

4) Another acquaintance comes to you looking for relationship advice. Why do you try to help them and how effective do you think you are?

i try to help them simply because they ask me to. most times i complain about how i'm always the therapist of my circle of friends, but at the heart of it, i'm always willing to listen to a friend if he or she needs to talk or vent, regardless of whether or not it just makes me want to roll my eyes thousand-fold. if i can help them out just by being there and listening in order for them to be able to relieve some tension, then that's great. as far as how effective i think i am in either the advice i give them or just by sitting there and listening, that's really up to the person i'm talking to, and how effective they consider my advice is to their problem.

of course there are limits though. the point when i realize i'm just sounding like a broken record, or when i know that there is no possibility that my advice would even be any benefit to someone, is when i back off. it's a pet peeve of mine to have to repeat myself and waste my time saying the same thing over and over again. it's really up to them what they choose to do with my advice - i have no control over that, and i won't impose what i think is the right decision for them, because they're old enough to make their own decisions. but hey, whether they take my advice sincerely or with a grain of salt, i usually don't mind putting my two cents in, if they ask me to.

5) What's the most significant lesson you learnt in 2004?

hmm. see, the problem with this question is attempting to answer it with just one significant lesson that i've learned, because i'm learning something new almost everyday. so i'm just going to try and cheat by listing some of the lessons that i felt were most important to my personal growth. i would have to base most of my learning experience in the past year on my time spent teaching in vietnam. in those four months i've learned that it's okay to appreciate that not all teaching experiences are the same and aren't always what i expect them to be, no matter how long i've spent planning a super-awesome lesson, or whether i end up teaching a class with full attendance or half the attendance. ive learned that being someone that hundreds of people look up to is quite a challenging yet satisfying responsibility, but it's not necessarily you doing the teaching, but rather the learning; and that even in the deepest pits of despair, i've learned to never to lose hope that things will eventually return to a sense of normalcy, and that it really is possible to maintain grace under fire. i've also learned that it's extremely important to know what counts and what not to take for granted when you're completely removed from your comfort zone, but at the same time, it's not until you've been able to step completely out of your comfort zone, that life's biggest lessons become the most apparent to you.

***

wowsers. that was a long post. but i rather enjoyed having to think about something other than rhetorical mush. thanks to jared for getting my brain to actually work overtime in answering those questions - hopefully my answers were more insightful than incompetent.

and so i pass the torch on to you - if y'all would like to also be in the spotlight, just hollar, and i'll give you something to think about :o)

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darn I wanted to see what horribly embarassing questions my panda could come up with fo me - oh well - I bow to you

5:33 AM

 
Blogger Cristina said...

oi. that was awesome Estelle.
i totally agree with Erin. you can definitely hear your voice. haha. :O) cheers. have a great easter.
oh. btw. the forward you sent out was HILARIOUS. I haven't laughed out loud because of an email in a long long time. muhahaha... thx.

1:01 PM

 
Blogger Unknown said...

Well said, Estelle. As you put it, "final answer"; I found it neat to take all the floaty things that hang around certain issues and pull them together into something concrete. I'm sure "the answers" to things like this will contain to grow and change in subtle ways, but still, some fine therapy.

4:11 PM

 
Blogger mamastella said...

erin, my dear, take a stab at these questions :o)

1) your blog title deems you as "not your average newfie". how do you see yourself being set apart from the rest of the average newfies?

2) if you could change anything that you've experienced in the past five years of your undergrad experience at waterloo, what would it be, and why?

3) why did you decide to pursue a career in drama (your minor) instead of a career more related to english, your major? what do you think a career in drama could provide you that an english-oriented career wouldn't?

4) who has been the most influencial person in your life, and why?

5) you and your absolutely fabulous housemate (who just happens to be the author of these questions) are two of the last few single women standing in your circle of friends. what do you think could be holding you back from finding that special someone and joining the elite group of the single-impaired?

11:07 PM

 
Blogger mamastella said...

matthew, here are your questions:

1) What is the most important thing that you've learned through your experience in Vietnam?

2) How does your traditional and conservative baptist upbringing affect the way you teach your students?

3) What intimidates you most about the opposite sex, and why?

4) What is one misconception that people may have about you that you would like to see change, and how would you go about changing it?

5) Given your vast knowledge of Christianity, what do you consider is a healthy balance between blind faith/pure acceptance and full understanding/absolute comprehension? in religion? in everything in between?

12:36 PM

 
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6:57 PM

 

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