24's off to a lovely start...

while the past week consisted of daily studious (read: furious?) all-nighters till 10am, the weekend following was a nice change of pace: pseudo-surprise parties, presents galore, and wonderful times spent with good people that i hold so dear to my heart. some of them were MIA, but the good times just kept on rollin'. the celebrations were a little on the more quiet and simple side this year, but it was well-appreciated - i loved every minute of it. my valiant efforts to function on a total of 9 hours in 5 days were certainly not in vain. :o)

i am so blessed.

thanks to all who made it such an awesome birthday!

and now for a brief visual recap:


the celebrants: me, kitty, ryan


the roommates: ed, ryan, erin, me, joannie


the roommates + the "honoraries" (with claudia and bikin)


the girls


the boys


the best friend: tess et moi


the cake


the presents - including...


the DVD :oD

... but the most memorable highlight of this past weekend would have to be sunday morning. i had been asked to give the message during our church service, which included flashbacks and perspectives of vietnam shared with the congregation. what i had intended to be a 15-20 minute sermon, turned into a challenging and immensely emotional delivery, eventually leading to the entire congregation joining me in breaking down into tears.

though i've had a number of opportunities to speak at church, this time was distinctly different.

for once, i declined to read from a script in an attempt to sound smart.
for once, i let go of all my insecurities of crying in public.
for once, i truly understood the burdens of a Christian.
for once, i gave God back all the glory instead of myself.
for once, i was able to assess the meaning of spiritual growth.

and for once, i was comfortable with the fact that i really have grown up.

another year, another 2 essays and 1 take-home test to go.

i left 23 with a chicken souvlaki pita in one hand and a leap of faith in the other.

here's lookin' at you, 24.

happy birthday to me!
(and ryan too!)

ps - props to the 134 columbia crew for being the first to wish me happy birthday ... BUT double props to miss sharon kwan for being the first to call me long distance from the yellow cornfields of iowa! :oD (YOU WIN!)

bum week ahead

despite the fact that i brought all my books home this weekend, i somehow still managed to boycott any productivity - i didn't realize how far i've already fallen behind on schedule in the past 3 weeks. hmm. perhaps this term, i really did bite off more than i could chew.

week 4 = school poop piled high to the sky

monday:

• continue researching for my rs230 essay


• a whole lotta reading for engl392c and 309c


• even more reading for rs272

tuesday:

• study for my rs272 unit test


• write up a poem, and finish editing 13 poems for engl335 workshop


• start writing first draft of rs230 historical narrative

wednesday:

• start writing my rs230 historical narrative


• first draft of poem #2 due for engl335 workshop


• rs205 assignment #2 due


• rs272 unit test

thursday:

• rs230 historical narrative due

friday:

• rs272 unit test take-home portion due at 12pm

... and somewhere amidst all the academic chaos that has claimed me and any remains left of a social life for this week, i need to fit a birthday somewhere in all the craziness.

many of my friends and family have been asking me what i want this year - to be honest, i haven't had the time to really think about it in the past 3 or 4 weeks.

but now that you mention it... can i have a hug? :o(

picture day

the last time i remember having to get all spruced up for picture day would probably be sometime in high school for my oac/grad photos. 5 years later, now so very close to the end of my undergrad journey, i'm going through some sort of twisted deja vu - not by choice, but by mom's choice :oP

while the photographer-dude did his thing, i couldn't help but think back through memories of yearbook photos where i either looked like a chipmunk or a hamster, all due to the photographer telling me to "smile with my teeth" - as i waited with mandy in line to take our photos, i told her that i absolutely refused to resemble any type of critter in my grad photos this time around, simply because these may be the last ones i'll ever have to take in my entire academic life (unless of course, i take the huge leap into "masters-dom", but that life-decision has still yet to be decided at this point in time).

although the whole process of taking these pictures reminded me of high school, it was a far cry from feeling like high school... which i think for me was definitely something i was thankful for - fortunately this time it was teenage/friend/boyfriend drama-free and stress-free. and instead of feeling the dread of growing up and having to redefine myself in university, it was refreshing to actually feel more defined and established in front of that camera today - i felt more of a calm acceptance that i have grown up and have still managed to maintain my sense of identity through the whole 5-year adventure. and to me, that's quite an accomplishment on its own. of course, i couldn't help but feel a little odd to have that cap and gown on, our faculty colours vibrantly screaming against the black of my gown. for a brief moment, i actually felt a smidgen of pride to have that sickly green colour sitting on my shoulders (why green?!). hard to believe that in a few months time, these pictures will come to really mean something - assuming of course, i get through this last term alive :oP

"mommy wow! i'm a big kid now!" :oD

full house

... we're starting to make thursday poker nights a ritual over at 134 columbia. i mean, with all this newfound spacious goodness in our living room, we have no other choice but to take advantage of it and entertain our people :oP nothin' like a good gatherin' of friends from all over waterloo to come down and get in on a little chip-card action. of course, linda and i unfortunately being unskilled in the game, and still in "apprentice" mode, decided to watch all the action by the sidelines. however, erin has promised to give me a crash course in texas round-up, so in a matter of time i'm hoping i'll be hustlin' out my own poker skills and rakin' in the dough with the rest of the gang :o) - hmmmm. just gotta practice my poker face - apparently smiling and giggling during the entire game won't really help me much if i'm to play and win :oP

'twas definitely one of my better nights.

on top of everything else, the best news i've had all day is that the ever-so-lovely miss cristina has decided to come along with me to the philippines and be my date for my cousin's wedding (YAY!) - she'll be my knight in shining armor in fending off the local boys who my "maritally concerned" aunts may possibly set me up with back home. the plane takes off in mid-july, so whoever else is interested in coming with me, the more the merrier :oD

tangent: according to this i'm 33.3% total geek. phew. i expected much higher ;oP

first draft

On the Steps of St. Joseph's
Estelle Gonzales 2004

city lights gradually fading from view.
the melancholic hum of our ’84 chevy wagon
serenading us
into the autumn of our discontent.

… correction: my discontent

st. joseph’s cross in the distance
surrenders its silhouette to the evening sky.
and as i watch the trees forfeit their leaves,
i brace for colder winds.

… “je me souviens”

youthful tears exhibit fear of transition.
mom just smiles, reassuringly
drying my eyes
with a leap of faith.

… do not worry about tomorrow
for tomorrow will worry for itself*

City lights now emit a nostalgic glimmer
and I find myself once again on the steps of St. Joseph’s.
Memories once so obscure to me;
return ten-fold.

… everything seems so much smaller now

I stand in silent commemoration.
Almost in mourning for the years almost forgotten.
As an autumn breeze greets me a melancholic welcome,
A whispered prayer escapes my lips.

… A lament for childhood’s passing.

---

*taken from Matthew 6:34

finally back in routine again.

... fully recovered from jetlag and 90% readjusted to speaking and understanding the english language (... the remaining 10% lost forever :oP), i'm into week 3 of the school term at waterloo. crazily enough, the workload has already become as brutal as the -20 something degree weather outside. i suppose this is what i get for endlessly complaining how i missed being cold the past 4 months. go big or go home, i guess :oP

and as usual, to accompany the intense 6-course workload, i'm finding myself back into the habit of intense procrastination. currently, to pass the time i should really be using to edit the 13 poems for my creative writing workshop tomorrow, i've decided to let my mind wander into the not-so-far future, and daydream of phillipine sunsets, lying on the beach while sipping a cool, freshly blended mango shake; feeling the warmth of the sand between my toes. *sigh* not even a month into school, and i'm already fast-tracking to summer vacation.

so far, plans for making this dream a reality are on the go, c/o my family. turns out that one of my cousins in the philippines will soon be joining the elite group of no-longer-single people - yep, he's getting married - which gives us an even better reason to head over there and party it up with the rest of the family [read: feast like we've never feasted (...feasten? lol) before!]. and in addition, i've been selectively hand-picked to be a bridesmaid at the wedding. i was a little reluctant to say yes at first - not because this is probably the umpteenth time being asked to be a bridesmaid and still notthing even remotely close to being a bride (no, i'm not bitter - lol), nor because of the long distance, but because the motif of the bridesmaids' dresses is "pretty in pink" - or what i would like to refer to as "pretty in puke". i know that i should probably just grin and bear it, afterall, he's my cousin and this is his once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and all, but i detest wearing pink - almost as much as i detest minnie mouse (... and do NOT get me started on minnie mouse). don't get me wrong, depending on the shade, pink can be quite bearable and even somewhat pleasing to the eyes. yes, there are actually some people that i know who can and do pull off wearing pink very nicely.

yeah. not me.

perhaps there might have been a traumatic episode locked away in my childhood (one of many?) that could be a possible triggering factor in all this, but for as long as i can remember, i never really got used to accepting pink as a real colour. yes, it's sad... even more so because as i type this blog entry, fears of me resembling jigglypuff at my cousin's wedding are now surfacing... *sigh*

... alrighty then. back to work i go :oP

just smile.

Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

-- Psalm 51:11-12

***
taking a slightly extended break from my 392c "reading", i decided to check my e-mail. to my surprise, there was one waiting for me from minh hung, my driver in vietnam. the letter consisted of one "hello", a couple of "yes, thank you"; along with a a series of questions, such as "how are you today?", "how long are you in school for?", "when are you coming back to vietnam?", and "will you remember to write me when you're married?" (yes, in that order.) - i couldn't help but smile while reading it.

throughout the letter, his english was broken, and perhaps may have appeared quite atrocious to the average english major. but it was interesting how quickly i could easily decode the orginizational pattern of this "new language", and still be able to get the main gist of the letter - fully comprehending its syntax and other accompanying grammatical elements. pretty nifty, i thought. :o)

i find great pleasure in how he always ends his e-mails with the following statement:

"God also bless us, halleluja! Amen!"

amen, indeed :o)

... finding peace and joy again.

stella's got a slight case of the blues...

currently playing on my mediaplayer:

And there has always been laughing, crying, birth, and dying
Boys and girls with hearts that take and give and break
And heal and grow and recreate and raise and nurture
But then hurt from time to times like these
And times like those
And what will be will be
And so it goes

... But somehow I know it won't be the same
Somehow I know it will never be the same.

-- from "Times like These" by Jack Johnson

***
i seem to be going through some sort of melancholic phase. opening my e-mail inbox tonight, i saw that i had several e-mails from dear friends who had so greatly impacted my life while i was in vietnam. and in each of those e-mails, a repetitious pattern of three words was evident in all of them. three words that were so simple in appearance, yet meaningful enough to completely take over my emotions. the only appropriate response i could give was to just let the tears flow.

"i miss you."

... i miss you too.

you don't realize how different things are in your own country until after you've been physically removed from it for a certain period of time. and one of the differences that immediately jumped out at me in the past two weeks is that there are a lot of unsatisfied people in north america - people who aren't at peace with their lives; people who place their hope and interests in such mundane, temporary things; people who seem so unhappy with what they have, and don't realize how much worse others have it. it would be hypocritical for me to say that i've never found myself in this category of people from time to time, and knowing that i too can be a hypocrite, only fills me with a kind of selfish guilt that at most times i try to avoid feeling.

it's a no-brainer to know that material wealth is far more abundant in north america than in vietnam. but one distinguishing factor between our culture and theirs, is that there is such a joy and peace among their people, and a true appreciation of what they already have and strive for - a joy and peace, and true appreciation that i feel i've been violently robbed of since i've been back.

it's a disheartening thing to come back to school and hear all the hoity toity chatter of some of the students fresh from their co-op terms: an endless array of "how much money did you make?", "oh, my job made more than yours", "microsoft makes more money than google", and "you could have made so much more money" resonated in the air - ironically accompanied by the familiar poop smell of waterloo. far be it from me to all of a sudden turn activist, but it's all giving me a headache.

watching tv with a few friends over the weekend, it saddened me to see them immediately change the channel when support-ads for tsunami relief came on, but then watch attentively, wide-eyed and possessed by commercial specs of the latest LG cell phone as they flashed across the screen.

... it made me feel even worse when i looked down at my phone, and realized it was the same model.

then i thought back to the times i spent at the orphanages in vietnam, playing bubbles with the kids. i remembered loc, the 17-year-old boy with entwined limbs who had so much joy and bliss when the bubbles would touch and pop on his nose - i then had to excuse myself to the washroom as tears were about to burst from my eyes.

i miss being at peace. i miss knowing that joy.

oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

rhetorical adventures?!

... an excerpt from my rhetorical criticism textbook:

You are about to embark on an exciting adventure that will engage and stimulate your critical thinking skills and challenge you to develop more sophisticated writing skills. If you are like most rhetorical critics, you will find yourself engaged, intrigued, inspired, and sometimes frustrated and baffled as you work through critical methods and develop analyses of artifacts. The process of rhetorical criticism is demanding and difficult, but it is also fun, and it is a skill that will enable you to analyze the worlds others have created and to choose more diliberately the symbolic worlds that you yourself inhabit.

-- from Sonja K. Foss' Rhetorical Criticism - Exploration and Practice

... are we having fun yet?

sixth sense

... earlier today in 392C

mandy: you look really tired today estelle.
me: mandy, i had a horrible dream last night.
mandy: oh no, what happened?
me: i dreamt that we had a pop quiz today and i didn't read [the article] the night before.
mandy: (assuringly) don't be silly estelle. the prof isn't going to give us a pop quiz on the third day of class.
(our eyes dart over to the door, watching our prof briskly enter the classroom)
me: (starting to panic again) ... well, did you read any of it?
mandy: (shakes head) nope. look estelle, she's not going to give us a pop quiz today, especially on a 20-page article. don't worry.
me: right. (in a more relaxed voice) you're absolutely right.
(amidst the class chatter our prof slowly writes the agenda of today's class on the board and turns to face the class)
prof morrison: ... and yes, we will be having a pop quiz today.
shawnica: i really think you need to stop having these dreams, estelle.

the one time i'm psychic. yeeesh - go fig. :oP

thankfully some things never change.

late-night online procrastination. it's never felt so good.

we finally have internet at 134 columbia. 'tis a sweet, sweet, feeling indeed.

my original plan was to go to bed early because tonight's dinner at red lobster decided to start a battle-to-the-death with my tummy for most of the evening. but instead, i decided that blogging would be a much better remedy for it. i guess old habits truly do die hard. *sigh*

spent most of my morning and afternoon in north york with cristina chatting away over korean yummies and white chocoloate mochas. it was just one of those times when you don't realize how much you've really missed someone until the first hug... everything else subsequent to that hug only confirmed how wonderful it felt to be able to just pick up from where we left off. :o)

'twas de-lovely

reunited and it feels so good... Peaches and Herb couldn't have sung it any nearer to the truth tonight. spent the past 10 or so hours making up for lost time with my favourite girls - the evening's festivities included hot chocolate gladness over dessert pastries at the good ol' apricot tree cafe in 'sauga, followed by a spontaneous grocery shopping adventure, and watching De-Lovely chez joannie. i absolutely adored this movie, and even had my first good cry of the year because of it. cole porter, hats off to you. *sigh* if only life could be one big musical... all the world's drama would be easily resolved with a song and dance. :oP

in addition, i've crossed a couple more movies off my must-see list: The Incredibles and yes, Napoleon Dynomite - of which i both found entertaining and immensely amusing. i must admit that contrary to the warnings i received regarding the latter film, i rather enjoyed its mindless, pointless humour. actually, i thought it portrayed humanity at its best and even possibly at its worst. eeps. one thing for sure is that i'll never listen to jamiroquai's "canned heat" the same way again. :oP

yay for feel-good weekends. plans for the rest of the weekend: purchasing the De-Lovely soundtrack and automatically switching gears into musical-freak mode, sweeping myself away into cheesy broadway showtune enlightenment for the next few days weeks... :oD

tran·si·tion (n.)

1a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : CHANGE b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

-- taken from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

another year, another school term, another set of hopes, mistakes, life lessons, fears, self-affirmations, and blessings; a new series of ambitions and academic aims, and a newly rejuvenated heart and mind - all lined up for the next 357 days... and yes, with everything previously mentioned, so brings forth yet another opportunity to start a new blog.

after 4 months of fun n' pho in vietnam, not even 2 days after i arrived, i find myself thrown back into the habits of academic bliss, inconveniently jetlagged and somewhat incoherent. being jolted out of the energy of saigon and back into the snowy depths of canada, and then being chucked back into the busy-ness of "life as a 4b student" shortly after has left me with a strange kind of surreality. on the first day i arrived, i had trouble choosing which language to respond in - english, ilongo, or vietnamese. my nights were restless due to the lack of motorbike hums and streetvender mutterings that would normally serenade me to sleep. and on the first day of classes, my brain hadn't completely registered that being back in canada also meant that road rules here were different from saigon, making the task of crossing the street slightly difficult than what i was used to. suffice it to say, i'm a little messed in the head - but i have high hopes that everything will eventually fall into place once the jetlag subsides.

on a brighter note, seems like this year has taken a positive turn - i've removed myself from the dramas of wcri to the more calmer and happier surroundings of 134 columbia. this past week i've had uber good times reuniting with fantabulous people who i've missed dearly for the past few months :o). my schedule is a full 6-course load, but i welcome the healthy academic fear (as well as the luxury of having 4-day weekends) of the next 4 months being the last semester of my undergrad career in waterloo - EVER. :oD

and once again i am overwhelmed. this whole process of transition can be quite energy-consuming it seems, even more so how much it's going to take for me to readjust to everything again. from my newfound inabilities to speak proper english, to the shock of my church kids suddenly towering over me, to friends unexpectedly getting engaged and/or married, to all the (english) movies that i've missed, to thinking that hearing english radio is such an odd phenomenon, to getting used to paying more than 50 cents for a bowl of pho - all these things are just proof that nothing ever really stays the same, and that yes, life really does go on regardless of wherever i am. it's a known fact that change is inevitable, but it's one fact that i seem to have taken rather lightly in the past few months. strangely enough, i too have been shaped into someone much different than the person who left canada last august. i'm not really sure when it all happened, but the reality of it all is that it did... somewhere over time, i grew up a little, changed a little, lived a little, and gained a whole lotta wisdom along the way - *gasp* - even in my most humdrum moments, things are happening, one circumstance leading to the next.

such an oddity, this thing called change...