*poof* there goes the last brain cell!

absolutely


LAST ALL-NIGHTER OF MY UNDERGRAD CAREER AT UW! WOOOHOOOOOOO!
*immense cartwheels*

... *gulp* i hope.

spring is definitely in the air...

"I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls."

-- Bridget Jones, from Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

ahhh, l'amour. yep, spring has definitely sprung - and while lovebirds everywhere are basking in each others lovey dovey hoopla, i'm at home indulging myself in lovey dovey romantic comedy bliss. i'm not usually a big fan of sequels, but i surprisingly enjoyed this one, though certain parts may have brought back one too many flashbacks for me - heck, i actually found myself crying through some (read: most) of the movie. but it's movies like this that definitely keeps the hope alive :o)

*sigh* colin firth, i adore you.

yes, that's my final answer.

current mood:


okay, so here's the skinny: my now-blue-haired buddy, jared penner was inspired by his friend will to answer five meaningful and insightful questions on his blog (check out jared's post for March 20). and now, i've stepped up to the plate. the way it works is that you leave a comment, i give you questions, and you just pass that dutchie to your left hand side - err... i mean pass your thoughtful answers on through your blog.

warning: extremely long post ahead!

1) What are the best and worst things about being a Canadian Filipina?

i've always thought that the best thing about being a canadian filipina is having been brought up in the best of both worlds: to be able to experience the social, political, and even religious freedom and culture of being "canadian", and also having direct exposure to the multiculturalism of canada have always been things that i've highly regarded as a huge privilege. i believe that there are so many opportunities we have here in canada that at times are taken for granted - opportunities for education, for jobs, for the way we maintain our lifestyles. while being immersed in canadian culture, i can still be proud of my ethnic origin and be able to stick to my own roots; to still be able to know what a good wholesome filipino home-cooked meal tastes like, to be able to understand the language and all the quirks that come with the cultural package of being "filipino", and genuinely appreciate all of them. to put it in simplest terms, my cousin charlene had it down pat when she said, "we're not fobs, but we still get all of the jokes".

ironically enough, being a hybrid of both cultures can also be the worst thing. being deemed as not being saturated enough in either culture can sometimes leave me not really knowing where i belong - am i filipina? or am i canadian? in the philippines, at times i'm labelled as "not being filipino enough", simply because i was born in canada and not in the homeland - i get poked fun at my english accent whenever i try to speak tagalog or ilongo, and have even been accused of thinking that i'm better than everyone else because of the fact that i was born here and not there. at the same time, i've encountered moments when i can't even consider myself as filipina because i'm "canadian" - i remember filling out a form for church membership in my last workterm in vietnam, and i wrote down filipino as my background nationality. almost everyone was rather perplexed by it, their looks of bafflement followed by questions like "i thought you said you were from canada?" and "why did you write filipino if you're not from the philippines?" - i never really thought it was necessary for me to be one or the other, but i guess there are some people who think choosing sides is absolutely necessary.

there have also been times when i've had the unfortunate opportunity of encountering the ugliness that racism brings out in people when it comes to stereotypes and other social labels. in high school, when i got my acceptance to waterloo, i was told by more than one of my filipino friends that i shouldn't even bother going because "filipinos don't go to university - they're not supposed to"; and in my five years as an undergrad co-op student, there were arrogant corporate people permanently attached to their high horses who actually had the audacity of telling me that i was incapable of doing something because of my race, making it a double whammy when they'd bring my being woman into the whole picture - because really, as it was brought to my attention in my second co-op term, the only way i could ever end up with a decent job was if i slept with someone - because obviously, it all comes with the reputation of being a filipino woman (yes, that last part was sarcasm *roll eyes*).

i guess with issues like race and culture, it's a matter of determining whether being a canadian filipina is a win-win or a lose-lose situation - do the best points weigh out the worst points? i happen to think they do, especially when the best things are really what i consider significant, and i know i'm stubborn enough to try and break down every single one of those misleading stereotypes. i've never let my background be a hindrance to who i am, and i highly doubt i'll ever start doing so. i take pride in who i am, and of all the effort and time that's been invested by my family in providing me with the best they could give me in raising me up to be the person i am today.

2) As someone with many aunts looking to match up their favorite niece, how do you cope with the pressure of not being married?

*sigh* how did i know that you were going to bring my aunts into this? hmm. to be honest, i don't think i've ever really considered it much of a "pressure" whenever my aunts never cease to find a hot young filipino stallion that they hope will be the one for me, but when it comes to this i think of it as more of a thorn in my side, if anything. sure, it gets a little depressing here and there whenever i find out that yet another one of my friends or cousins has achieved engaged/married status, and ya know, i'd probably see this whole family matchmaking thing in a more positive light if it wasn't so blatantly obvious that they're on a mission to answer my so-called desperate cry for help; but being part of my stubborn nature, i still find myself refusing to give my aunts and the rest of my extended family the satisfaction of thinking that they've got the upper hand in contributing in my search to find mr. right.

and how do i cope with it? there used to be a time when i would find myself in a very frustrated, depressed state of mind, but i think that this particular game of matchmaker with my family is one that i've become rather desensitized to over the years that they've been playing it with me. i've come to terms with the simple detail that it's just one of the quirks in my family that i can't shake off, and though i realize that they're doing it in the best of taste and not doing it in some sort of conspiracy against me, i just calmly say, "thanks but no thanks", and brush it off. don't get me wrong, i'm well aware that i'm only getting older, and that someday i would love to find that kind of romantic relationship and completion that a significant other could provide me, but life is really too short for me to obsess over the fact that i'm 24, and unattached - especially since i really have until 35 to settle down and have kids and all that stuff that makes married life glamorous and wonderful. so for now, i just grin and bear it, and continue to have the hope that my potential husband is still out there somewhere, preferably not taken yet, and that i'll find him on my own terms. and if not, then fine - i can deal with that too, and life will go on as it usually does.

now, ask me this question again after i'm 35, and i may have a different answer for you entirely :o)

3) How does returning to Vietnam contribute to your larger life goals?

i've always tried to deliberately stay away from anything teacher-related as an option for post-undergrad work - partly because if i did, then i would automatically fall into the whole steroptype of english majors pursuing a career in teaching. but after all that's been said an done, my time spent in vietnam opened my eyes to a whole new perspective in being a teacher, making it something that i really want to pursue. of course, it wasn't all i expected it to be like, but i actually found that quite refreshing. this was a job that not only helped benefit those around me, but did a great deal to my no-longer-lack of self-confidence and views on how i see the world - i think i actually learned more in that one work term than i did in all my workterms put together. going to vietnam also did quite a number on my spiritual life - i think that having been completely taken away from everything that was familiar like home, food, culture, friends, family, etc., really helped me to focus on what it means to fully rely on God, because even when i felt like i was alone, He's consistently there.

the interaction with the kids, the interaction with other teachers, the responsibility of having students actually pay attention to what you have to say and learn something from it was just amazing. i think returning to vietnam contributes a great deal to my larger life goals in that i feel like i've finally found a job i feel drawn to and that makes me genuinely happy and not only gives me peace of mind, but in peace with my life. never in my mind would i have imagined me wanting to go to teacher's college or attempting to achieve a masters in education, but by going through things the second time around, i'm hoping to get that life-grasp that i've been looking for, in terms of where my abilities are most needed and can be most improved. i've always wanted a job that was people-oriented, satisfying, and gives me a chance to really contribute and make a difference in people's lives, where i can actually learn something in all aspects of life, and so i think that with this upcoming sequel to my vietnam experience, it'll definitely help me gain even more experience and prepare me for future opportunities, both academic and personal.

4) Another acquaintance comes to you looking for relationship advice. Why do you try to help them and how effective do you think you are?

i try to help them simply because they ask me to. most times i complain about how i'm always the therapist of my circle of friends, but at the heart of it, i'm always willing to listen to a friend if he or she needs to talk or vent, regardless of whether or not it just makes me want to roll my eyes thousand-fold. if i can help them out just by being there and listening in order for them to be able to relieve some tension, then that's great. as far as how effective i think i am in either the advice i give them or just by sitting there and listening, that's really up to the person i'm talking to, and how effective they consider my advice is to their problem.

of course there are limits though. the point when i realize i'm just sounding like a broken record, or when i know that there is no possibility that my advice would even be any benefit to someone, is when i back off. it's a pet peeve of mine to have to repeat myself and waste my time saying the same thing over and over again. it's really up to them what they choose to do with my advice - i have no control over that, and i won't impose what i think is the right decision for them, because they're old enough to make their own decisions. but hey, whether they take my advice sincerely or with a grain of salt, i usually don't mind putting my two cents in, if they ask me to.

5) What's the most significant lesson you learnt in 2004?

hmm. see, the problem with this question is attempting to answer it with just one significant lesson that i've learned, because i'm learning something new almost everyday. so i'm just going to try and cheat by listing some of the lessons that i felt were most important to my personal growth. i would have to base most of my learning experience in the past year on my time spent teaching in vietnam. in those four months i've learned that it's okay to appreciate that not all teaching experiences are the same and aren't always what i expect them to be, no matter how long i've spent planning a super-awesome lesson, or whether i end up teaching a class with full attendance or half the attendance. ive learned that being someone that hundreds of people look up to is quite a challenging yet satisfying responsibility, but it's not necessarily you doing the teaching, but rather the learning; and that even in the deepest pits of despair, i've learned to never to lose hope that things will eventually return to a sense of normalcy, and that it really is possible to maintain grace under fire. i've also learned that it's extremely important to know what counts and what not to take for granted when you're completely removed from your comfort zone, but at the same time, it's not until you've been able to step completely out of your comfort zone, that life's biggest lessons become the most apparent to you.

***

wowsers. that was a long post. but i rather enjoyed having to think about something other than rhetorical mush. thanks to jared for getting my brain to actually work overtime in answering those questions - hopefully my answers were more insightful than incompetent.

and so i pass the torch on to you - if y'all would like to also be in the spotlight, just hollar, and i'll give you something to think about :o)

coherency is for the weak.

it's a magical thing when one is able to have a completely incoherent conversation with someone and fully understand every word of it, especially when most of the words are either made up, or no longer than five words...

just an excerpt:

erin: i mean, at least have the consider--, considerate--, *continuously snaps fingers in the air in desperate attempt to find the right word* ... considerateness.
me: um. consideration?
erin: yes. consideration. you know what i mean.
me: *delayed pause, followed by blank stare, eyes stinging from previous consecutive all-nighters* ... yes.

doh. i think i may have possibly forgotten what it feels like to sleep.

must... make... it.. through... one more... day.

i think i may have created a monster...

and yes, another one bites the dust.

would everyone please give a warm blogger welcome to miss erin dwyer, who has finally surrendered herself to the wonderful world of blogging :o)

http://dramaface.blogspot.com

it was only a matter of time, my dear. :oP

a lil sump'in sump'in for miss erin dwyer.

... you never said anything about getting the last word on THIS BLOG!

BOOOOOOYAH!

intense research:

I started blogging in November 2000 and quickly developed blogorrhea, a condition that can be cured only by more of the disease, and the imposition of a kind of external discipline on a writer that depends on the growth of actual readers of one's blog.

[Blogorrhea: a tendency for creativity-strapped bloggers to write meaningless prose in an attempt to keep their blog active.]

-- from We've Got Blog: How Weblogs are Changing Our Culture

hmm. if diarrhea can give you "the runs", can blogorrhea give you "the blogs?"

ba-dump-dump ching! :oP

another phase?

just a little...


forget about tim horton's double-doubles, french vanillas, and hot chocolates with mint tea bags - stella's got a new craving-obsession:

tim horton's hot apple cider

ohhhhh, baby. that's the stuff! :oP

and in the meantime, 1.5 out of 3 essays done - and yes, all due by the end of tomorrow.

SCHOOL ROCKS!!

... *sigh*

"i'm not irish, but kiss me anyway!" :ox

still feelin'


yep, nothin' says "happy st. paddy's day!" better than several nightly rounds of cards over bubbletea with the 134 columbia clan at sweet dreams tea shop. :o)

highlights of the night:

• watching ryan somehow launch a bubbletea cup from one end of sweet dreams to the other, straw skillfully still placed in mouth
  
• almost getting into a car accident from watching "random irish dude" in obvious drunken stupor giddily skip, trip, and fall on his face in the middle of the intersection at columbia and phillip
  

happy (now-belated) green day everyone!

"they like me! they really do like me!"

feelin'


i have the best students in the world :o)

i opened my mailbox this afternoon and was pleasantly surprised to find oodles of e-greetings from my students back in vietnam, including a myriad of vietnamese songs i've been missing since i left - all sent in hopes that it would all help me get over my sickness. *sigh*

and if that wasn't cool enough, miss estelle was voted one of the best top 3 teachers at Truoung Vinh Ky Private High School from last september till now - looks like i've somehow managed to leave a lasting impression. how awesome is that? :oD sure, most of them probably didn't understand what the heck i was saying at the time, but nevertheless, it's nice to be appreciated. (thank you matthew for all the info!)

aww shucks, i seem to be quite overwhelmed by all these warm fuzzies. they sure know how to make a girl feel mighty special. if only january could come a lot faster!

but for now, i'mma gonna get my groove on to the hip musical stylings of k-os' Crabbuckit! WOOT!

"No time to get down 'cause I'm moving up, ah-ah
Check out the crabs in the bucket..."

90+ sips of hot lemon-honey-water concoction later...

skipping school on account of being sick just isn't as glamorous as it used to be in elementary school. at least back then, classmates would consider it a streak of luck that you got to miss school - in 4th year univeristy, it just isn't the same. instead of being able to watch morning cartoons, completely covered up in my favourite mickey mouse and ghostbuster flannel blankies, and being able to smell the lipton chicken noodle soup my mommy would be preparing for me in the kitchen; i decided to overcome the guilt of missing class by catching up on readings, and confining myself in bed.

don't get me wrong, though. besides feeling like your body's on fire, and watching bits of your nose peel off your face with every kleenex-blow, there are still some perks to being sick at home; one of them is being able to achieve sexy-phone voice status when random strangers call your house asking for the wrong person and/or number, and another is all the liesure reading you can do when you get annoyed with the other "required" class shtuff.

today's choice: he's just not that into you: the no-excuses truth to understanding guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. this book has been getting an overwhelming response by its readers as well as most of my girlfriends, and yes, even Oprah - so, i wanted to see what all the hype was about and decided to read it for myself. some of my friends who have read this book had come out of it like they had reached an epiphany in their dating lives, while i on the otherhand, was rather bored and hurting from rolling my eyes so much. no duh he's just not into you if he's having sex with someone else. no duh he's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. and no DUH he's just not that into you, especially if he's a selfish jerk, a bully, or a really big freak - yes, these are actually some of the ever-so-eloquent chapter titles in this book. throughout the whole read, i was thinking, okaay... now tell me something that i didn't know already. sure, this book has its funny points, but dang - i could have easily written what they had to say in much less than the 165 pages it took them to write it.

women really need to see guys as guys, and not these objects on some marble pedestal of ideal perfection. why is that such a difficult concept to grasp? Confucious once said, "Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated". the understanding of guys is more so the same - they're normal, living, breathing, simple creatures whose complexity is only conjured up in the minds of women. who knows, maybe i can see the obviousness of it because i had the opportunity to learn all this in the earlier stages of my life, and unfortunately the hard way, with the added blessing of having enough guy friends who tell me exactly what they're thinking, and sometimes i feel sorry for half the poop we put them through. yeesh.

so much for "leisure" reading.

note to self: from this point on, it might be a good idea to stay away from dating self-help books, even if Oprah did recommend them. :oP

*cough* slowly but surely on the road to recovery

je suis


as promised, i'm back, and for the most part feelin' somewhat better - at least emotionally. my friend "TOM" has finally left (TOM = time of the month ;oP), and now i'm onto bigger challenges - one of which is to get over this pesky fever-cold thing that's been beating up my immune system since thursday. ugh. i feel like a thousand midgets are quebec square-dancing all over my forehead, while little gremlins have run away with my voice and are now gleefully scraping the sides of my tonsils with mini-daggers, and my nose is on a one-track course to winning an olympic marathon.

but whew, whatta week it's been - i stop blogging for just a few days, and all the good stuff happens! all of a sudden my no-longer-little brother somehow magically turned college grad on friday, i've been promoted to sunday school teacher for the young teens at church, i realized that i'm a bigger american idol geek than i originally thought because i'm WILLINGLY going to the kelly clarkson concert by myself, i've been assigned the task of designing my bridesmaid dress for my cousin's wedding in august; and though i'm still slightly in denial about it, my dad turned the big double-5 today. and now rumour has it that there are only 3 weeks and 2 days of undergrad left?! yikes! how the heck did we get from 4 months to 3 weeks?!?!

it's amazing though - i think i'm finally at that reflective stage in my life where i can sit back, look at this 5-year journey called undergrad and see what i've accomplished (then again, when you're sick, and once the movies and reading material runs out, there really isn't much else one can do but reflect :oP) - of all which aint too shabby, if i do say so myself :o) but of course, the overwhelming feeling of what i still need to accomplish hasn't completely settled in yet. but that's just peachy, cuz well, everyone needs a little healthy fear of what may lie beyond convocation :o) onwards and upwards, i say! :o)

as the song goes, "mama said there'll be days like this. there'll be days like this, my mama said". i think at this point, i've come to accept that drama and life's general poopiness come and go as they please.

and so i skoff in their general direction.

*scoff scoff... double scoff*

*ahem* funny how scoff easily turns to cough.

ack. yep, that's definitely a cue for me to hit the hay.

it's been a shrug-n'-wrinkle-your-nose kinda weekend...

full-blown


disclaimer: the following is a series of rants and complaints partially caused by the author's low tolerance of people's moronic and pathetic behaviors, as well as the ongoing immense pain and emotional poopiness caused by PMS. the text you are about to read may be slightly longwinded, somewhat depressing or annoying, and even perhaps a little scarier than what you are used to reading; but please know that in the next week or so, once the pain and the cramps subside, and the bombarding feeling of being overwhelmed by too much responsibility has died down for the author, this blog will eventually return to its pseudo-regular normalcy. brace yourselves folks, this one's a doozy.

i haven't really been feeling like myself these past few weeks, and i think i've finally reached an emotional/physical slump. it's been a while since i've had just a completely dry, blah weekend. seemed like everything on friday was fine, until about 11pm when i just suddenly felt so... ugh. the past two days have been just on the downside, and i think the february blahs have finally caught up with me a month late. i'm not even sure why this weekend has just been so bum (which actually isn't true - of course having to deal with my body going through an unexpectedly painful PMS-overdrive does not help at all), but all my energy and motivation to do practically anything completely poofed out of existence this weekend. and right now i'm too tired to take a nap (if it's possible), and far too blah to be inspired to write anything academically sound. so i thought that maybe by writing this blog it would either make me tired enough to sleep, or stir up some motivation to do something productive.

my patience was tested on saturday when i was talking to a friend about his current love-life, or rather, lack there-of. as some of you know, i've somehow adopted the duty of being the "family therapist" of our circle of friends, and usually i'm more than happy to sit with them and hear their problems and help them move along in their lives. that's not where the problem comes in. the problem happens when someone wastes my time pining and whining about something and expecting me to give him the same advice - and KNOWS that i'm giving him the same advice, and just like in the other "sessions", completely lets everything go through one ear and out the other. and when he's dealing with stella on a not-so-friendly PMS-trip, it would have been better for him to avoid getting his head bitten off (not to be taken literally, of course, says the barber!)
let me introduce you to my biggest case study so far: for privacy sake, let's call him ringo (claudia, i'd like to thank you for the inspiration with the names! lol). ringo likes dingo (sorry folks, my creative ability to rename people has also gone down the drain), and has liked her for over a year now, except dingo has made it absolutely clear that she wants no romantic involvement with ringo. however, whether she realizes it or not, dingo has been taking advantage of ringo ever since ringo confessed his true feelings to her, asking him to do the most ridiculous tasks that she could probably do on her own - if anyone's heard diana krall's Peel Me A Grape, substitute Orange for Grape and add a little violent streak, and you have a pretty accurate picture of dingo's attitude towards ringo. and even despite the violent blows, the banshee-like screams, the name-calling, the insults that she voices out to ringo, he still pines for her love, and cannot accept seeing her with anyone else but him... ringo was telling me yesterday that he "thought that girls liked it when a guy didn't give up so easily on a girl" - i'm not sure what relationship manual he's reading, but there's a difference between not giving up and knowing when to quit - and if a girl starts beating up on you and insults you to your face on a regular basis, i would assume that those are obvious signs to quit... and on top of that, i'm not sure about other girls, but the girls i know, including myself find persistent guys quite annoying and easy to dislike, especially if we've already told them a flat-out NO. the last thing girls would appreciate (if at all) is a stalker and who can't take no for an answer. and in return, dingo shouldn't be milking it up because she knows that ringo would succomb to her every whim - she can't play the "if you loved me, you would..." card if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings back... yeesh. why is it that everyone outside of any relationship can see things so much more clearer than the people in the relationship? ugh.

this morning, i realized the ugliness that can result from mixing church and politics together. i'm going to spare everyone with the details of the whole situation, but nothing takes out the intimacy and joy from worship and fellowship like a bunch of mundane politics. i think that should be the last thing we should really be focusing on when we go to church. bureaucracy within the church walls interfering with the reason why we go to church in the first place is definitely something that i dislike with a passion - don't get me wrong, i fully understand that some sort of order needs to be put into place when it comes to running a church, but when it displaces people without any regard or warning, it doesn't feel so good - especially when it comes to juggling people around (ie: me) like it was a game of hot potato.

in ongoing stresses, things at home have been slightly taking its toll on me. without really breaking the borders of this being a public blog, let me just say that while every friday i'm reminded of why it's a little too much for me to come back home to 'sauga, every monday it gets harder for me to leave home and back to waterloo. it's an awkward feeling to be 24 and still have people keeping tabs on you, but at the same time, still be able to appreciate the simple fact that there's just no place like home.

... and if someone says one more thing about my weight or stresses how "important" it is for me to lose it, i think i am seriously going to break down.

yikes. if this is what i'm like during PMS, i can't imagine what it would be like for the the poor fool who marries me and has to put up with me when i'm actually pregnant. :oS

non-stop eating!

reunited :o)

well, it's been a good (and unexpectedly) non-stressful week back - and i think i spent the majority of it eating :oP. after a few days catching up on sleep, pigging-out on chips and chocolate, several rounds to bulk barn for refills, another go at the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet, and squeezing in a couple of movies avec erin and claudia, the weekend has once again found me back home in mississauga, painfully but happily stuffed with shrimp pad thai (courtesy of tess and the green mango restaurant), and in crucial need for another nap.

it was also a pleasant surprise to have the always-wonderful esther choy visit us in the loo during her reading week, giving us reason to pull a last-minute girls-night and yet ANOTHER excuse to stuff our faces with oodles and oodles of good eats. we only made it through the first half of Reality Bites due to an extended ice-cream-biscotti-and-hot-chocolate-almost-cheesecake break, but the movie lost its priority once joyce initiated the girl-talk - hehe, there are just some things that girls shouldn't talk about around guys!

and the grubbin' just doesn't stop there... not only do i smell some good home-cooking downstairs for dinner, but tonight's plan is for my youth group to take our german missionary friends out for their first encounter with bubble tea :o)

man, if i wasn't going through massive PMS right now, i'd have no excuse to be eating so much! :oP

...wow.

i'm still in awe :oP

check out these moves!